Saturday, 14 March 2015

March Monsters: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People (1977)

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People (1977)
Director: George Barry
Starring: Demene Hall, William Russ, Julie Ritter
Running Time: 77 min

  Let's face it, I like weird movies and I've been pretty excited to see this film for a long. It's about a bed that eats people, how awesome is that!  Writer/director George Barry must have been pretty high when he came up with this concept that it took until the end of production to come down and realized how difficult this concept is to turn into a good 90 minute film.  Anyway, I have heard that like most films of this ilk, "Rubber", "Da Lift", "The Refrigerator", that it is a more bad than good, but I will brave the waves of terrible movie and try not to shit the Death Bed.

  A random man trapped in the wall behind a painting of the death bed sort of narrates what is happening at the beginning and throughout the film.  He talks to the evil bed that is stuck in a cabin outside a very large house and awaits trespassers to fall into it's cozy mattress of doom.  A middle age couple tries to break into the larger house but the bed uses it's magic powers to lock the doors and the couple eventually finds their way to the cabin with the death bed.  They put out their romantic dinner, which consists of a couple of apples, a bottle of wine and a bucket of chicken, but start making out before they start eating.  Unfortunately, their dinner becomes an appetizer for the demon bed and then it moves to the main course.  The bed uses it's gross yellow foam to suck this Don Jaun De Dollarstore and his date into it's mattress to devour them.  The man trapped behind the painting can only hear the bed crunching and munching it's victims and cannot help save them or anyone else.
  Some time later, I think, three young women come to the house because they are evaluating the house for sale or something.  Anyway, for some reason these women cannot find this enormous house at the end of a well marked out driveway and can only find the cabin that the death bed is living in.  On of the girls, says that she will sleep now during the day (?), so later this evening the other two can sleep in the bed during the night.  Makes sense right?  So, the other two go and try and find the main house while the other one tries to sleep in the deathbed.  Unfortunately, the death bed eats her too and when her friends come back, they don't seem to care that she is gone but look for her anyway.  Will the Deathbed feed on the girls to or will something or someone finally try to stop the evil demon inside the Death bed? Anyone? Bueller?

  This movie is pretty ridiculous in a it's soooo bad that it's almost good, sort of.  At least there are moments in the film where director George Barry recognizes what he has here and adds a bit of humour to it.  There is a scene with the bed taking some Pepto-Bismal after eating a few people, which is humorous.   As well as the crunching and munching sounds that the bed makes when it was eating people is pretty funny too.  It's so obnoxious and silly, that you just have to laugh.
  Also, I did like the very quick overview of the origin of the bed and seeing all of it's victims being consumed.  I mean, at least something was happening in the film and it wasn't more shots of people just wandering around aimless in the forest anymore.  Some of it was amusing, like the priest being eaten or the bed devouring a group of people having an orgy on it but again it was really one note and there seem to be a real lack of imagination or development put into the story.
  The ending is okay, the bed actually uses some of it's evil power to do things besides locking and unlocking doors.  Even though the story takes another incredible wide turn for no reason, at least there is a big fire, which looks cool. It's something people, it's something!

  Well, there is a whole lot of bad in this film as you can imagine.  The acting is so bad that the protagonist or lead girl doesn't even get a spoken line in the film.  She could have been a mute for all I know, she just wanders listlessly through each scene with absolutely no emotion or desire to escape.
  The only thing worse than her, was her "brother" played by Russ Williams (Boston Legal, Young & the Restless) because when he arrives the bed eats the skin and muscle from his hands.  After having his hands eaten, one would expect him to be freaked out and scream, shout, cry, whimper but not this dude.  This zen mofo just accepts the fact that a bed ate his hands and sits down to do nothing.  This is the most frustrating and funniest part of the film because you expect some reaction but get nothing.  It's crazy!

  All and all, this is terrible C to D rate horror movie that only people who enjoy the truly bizarre & absurd will probably appreciate.  The story is boundless and jumps all over the place, the acting is terrible, most of the story is narrative for some reason, even when two actors are sitting together and there is very little violence and gore shown throughout the picture but... it is a ridiculous movie about a bed that eats people which is something that you don't see every day.  So, if you are into amusing dreck about random inanimate objects murdering people or just looking for something to fill an hour, then you may want to throw this in and sleep on the couch.

I can't believe I'm the lead in Death Bed, shit.

1 comment:

  1. I'm in total agreement on this one with you! Death Bed it has a "king size" appetite.