Sunday, 31 March 2013

5 Iconic Horror Films Remade!


Remakes are not a new thing for the film industry but lately they seem to be just churning them out.  Although most times I prefer to see the original, there are some remakes that are excellent like John Carpenter's "The Thing" which was taken from "The Thing From Another World" or David Cronenberg's the "The Fly" which was a Vincent Price film with the same title.  Both took elements from the original, updated them and put an incredible twist on them.  I wish they were all that lucky.
  The studios over the years have tried to do the same with some of our favourite and surprisingly most disturbing horror films. (Who thought "I Spit on Your Grave" needed to be remade?) They have taken some of the most iconic maniacs in the gorosphere and updated them, gave them back stories and unleashed them on a younger generation.  

Here are 5 Iconic Horror Film Remade!


5. Friday the 13th (2009) - During a strange credits/clips montage, we find out Jason's Voorhees's mother killed a number of counselors to get revenge on them because she blames them for her son's death.  Unfortunately, she is decapitated by the last remaining counselor and then the "movie" begins years later.  A gang of college kids come out to go camping and enjoy the outdoors in the crystal lake region. Best friends Wade and Richie, also have other plans than camping as well.  They heard that there was acres of marijuana growing up in that area and they want to find some free bud to smoke and make some money.   Anyways, they all eventually get to a clearing and set up camp for the night.  That night during the campfire, Richie tells them the story about a mother whose son died and she blamed the camp counselor for his death.  So she killed them all except for one, who cut off her head.  (Didn't we just see this at the beginning?) Except Jason Voorhees, her son, saw his mother killed and he now roams around the forest now killing other people who come into these woods.  Whatever, Whitney and Mike want to go explore the forest and each other, so they take off into the woods.  Amanda easily convinces Richie to join her in her tent for some sexy sex,  soooo that leaves Wade all by himself.  Wade decides to search for the weed but winds up finding Jason, who kills him.  Meanwhile, Mike and Whitney on their romp through the woods, discover a run down summer camp and in one of the cabins, Whitney finds a locket with a picture that resembles her, so she keeps it.  Back at camp, Jason finishes off Richie and Amanda, then almost instantly pops out to find Mike and Whitney at the camp.  They try to escape but Jason finally catches up with them and kills Mike and we assume/hope Whitney dies as well.
  Six months later, Whitney's brother Clay comes searching for Whitney because the police aren't doing enough to find her.  At the gas station, he runs into a group of generic college kids, led by a serious douchebag named Trent and gets the gears from him about putting up a "Have You Seen Me" poster for his sister Whitney.  Luckily, Trent's girlfriend, Jenna takes a liking to Clay and calms everyone down.  Clay gets back on the road and goes door to door looking for his sister and the college kids go to party at Trent's dad's summer home.  When the college kids get there, it's time to party but Trent is being a douche and a real downer because he doesn't want them breaking shit.  Nolan and his girlfriend, Chelsea go wake boarding down by the lake and are quickly knocked off by Jason.  Two douchebags down.  Clay's door to door campaign eventually leads him to Trent's door and Jenna invites him in for a cold drink.  Trent sees Clay and loses his shit and tries to kick Clay out.  Jenna has had enough of Trent's shitty attitude and leaves with Clay, the stranger she just met. They go riding on his motorcycle for what would be hours, because the sun has now set and they come across a deserted Summer Camp.  They hear someone coming from the forest and naturally hide, like we all do when we hear people walking towards us.  They see Jason returning from a kill with a decapitated body.  This freaks Clay and Jenna out and they rush back to Trent's house!  Can they get back there in time and call the police before Jason kills them all or will this madman kill everyone for no reason except that's what's in the script.
  This film kind of drove me nuts and after reading who wrote the screenplay and who produced this, it made sense why.  It was produced by Michael Bay (destroyer of all things good in the 80's, Ninja Turtles) and was written by the same team who wrote Freddy vs Jason, who apparently still don't understand what made Friday the 13th enjoyable.  They try to jam four films of Crystal Lake mythos into one film, instead of just creating a believable horror about a masked killer, who is trying to get revenge for his mother.  So many things didn't make sense in this movie, *SPOILER ALERT* like why didn't Jason kill Whitney? why would anyone hang out with that Trent guy? And at the end, *BIG SPOILER* why would they throw the body of the man who killed everybody into the lake, so the police couldn't find him?  "A man in a hockey masked killed the guy I was arguing with at the store and all of his friends, officer"  I don't think the police would go for that.  Duh!  The gore scenes aren't even that imaginative and exciting, where is the next generation of Tom Savini's? And most of these characters are so generic and poorly written, you want to see die anyway.  I won't even say anything about the acting because the story is so terrible and it's not the actors fault.  The only reason to watch this film is if you love the franchise, but otherwise this was a waste of everybody's time including Jason's.



4. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - Dean is sitting in a diner waiting for his friend Kris to arrive.  Another friend from high school, Nancy is a waitress there and asks him if he's alright.  He says he's fine but he just hasn't had enough sleep.  Nancy heads over to serve another table filled with friends. Jessse, Quentin, and some other kid from school are there to order some coffee and harasses quentin about liking Nancy.  When Kris arrives she heads over to see Dean but Jesse, who was Kris's ex-boyfriend, gets angry and sticks Quentin with the bill.  Quentin apologizes to Nancy, pays the bill and leaves with his friends.  At the other table, Dean tries to explain his nightmare situation to Kris and it sounds like she has been having similar dreams.  She wants to help but has to excuse herself to go to the bathroom.  While she's gone, Dean falls asleep and dreams that he is being attack by a little burned man with finger knives.  Unfortunately, from everyone at the diner's point of view, it looks like Dean is trying to commit suicide! Only Nancy can hear him telling someone to let him go.  Kris comes back to find everyone in shock and Dean dead.
  At the funeral, Kris notices a picture of Dean and her when they were little that she had never seen before.  She asks her mom about it but her mom isn't sure where it came from and tries to drop the subject.  After the funeral, Kris starts having the dreams about the little burnt man with finger knives and tries to talk to Nancy about it.  This jogs Nancy memory of a rhyme that Kris repeats at some point.  That night, Jesse sneaks into Kris's house and they talk about these bad dreams their having.  They end up falling asleep and Kris is murdered and Jesse is thrown in the slammer for killing Kris.  Nancy and Quentin can't believe that Jesse would murder Kris and talk to each other about their sleepless nights.  Jesse is brutally murdered in jail by the little burned man in his dreams and this prompts Nancy and Quentin to start investigating.  After a while, they force Nancy's mother to tell them about Freddy Krueger, who molested them all in pre-school and eventually disappeared. ;)  Eventually, they find out that all the parents chased down Krueger and burned him alive for molesting their children.  So now, Nancy and Quentin think he's attacking them in their dreams to exact his revenge!  With this logic, Nancy and Quentin must stay awake and stop this maniac from killing them and any other kids that were in their class at pre-school, but how?!?!
  Michael Bay teams up with the writer of Doom and a director of music videos to update Wes Craven's classic A Nightmare on Elm Street.  Surprisingly, nothing actually happens on Elm street in this remake but at least they kept the nightmare aspect of the title.  The film spends a lot of time without the heroine of the film, Nancy at the beginning, so it's a little jarring when she shifts into the lead role about half an hour in.  Like in most of these Michael Bay remakes, the characters aren't even that likeable and seem like fodder for Krueger instead of people we should be rooting for.  For someone who attacks people in their dreams, this Freddy Krueger has no subtly.  Killing people in restaurants and exploding chests in jail, Freddy doesn't seem to understand the art of stealth.  The film is darker and it focuses more on the fact that Freddy was a pedophile, which people seem to forget.  However I don't know how all the parents got their kids to forget about such a traumatic incident in their lives.  It's really unbelievable.  There are a couple bloody scenes that have been rehashed from the original movie but not done as well, like the bed scene with Kris.  That scene scared the shit out of me when I was a kid but not this time, it just seemed kind of lame.  The film was sloppy and lacked any on the charm of the original.  How this won the People's Choice Award for Best Horror is beyond me but I would hate to see what lost to this.



3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - It's 1973 and a group of friends are driving back from Mexico and heading out to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.  On the way they're somehow rockin out to Sweet Home Alabama, which doesn't get released til 1974, smokin dope and a pair of them are makin out in the back.  Kemper is driving, getting bitched out by his girlfriend, Erin about the dope they picked up, and almost hits a girl walking in the middle of the road.  They stop the van and invite the girl to get a ride with them to the next town.  Still heading in the same direction that she was going, she starts to freak out about not wanting to go back to the bad man, then she pulls a handgun from her vagina and shoots herself in the face!!!!  They all freak out, stop the car and try and figure out what to do.  They decide to drive to the next town and call the police, then cram back into the gross van and head out.  They find a store, stop in and tell the lady what happened.  The old bitty behind the counter calls the sheriff and tells the gang that the sheriff will meet them at some mill up the road.  They thank the creepy lady and hit the road.  At the mill they don't find the sheriff but a eerie little boy, who tells them that the sheriff is at home drinking then takes off.  Kemper and his girlfriend Erin decide to go and look around for the sheriff's house.  After walking through the woods, they discover an rundown plantation house with a old amputee named Monty there.  They ask to use the phone and lets Kemper inside to use it, but just Kemper.  Monty asks Erin to help him use the bathroom. Eww.  While Erin is helping Monty, Leatherface kills Kemper and when Monty finishes his business, Erin thinks that Kemper ditched her, so she walks back to the van.
  When Erin returns to the van, Kemper is still missing but the sheriff has arrived.  He looks over the body, takes the vagina pistol and returns it to his ankle holster.  Dun Dun Dun Duuuun!  The sheriff dumps the body in his trunk and tells the gang to get out.  He leaves and Erin takes another victim friend, Andy to the house to help her find Kemper.  While Erin distracts Monty, Andy sneaks into the house to find a chilling display of home decorations made of human flesh and bone.  You can't get that shit at Ikea!  Then Leatherface bursts out after them and Erin escapes back to the van, leaving another friend behind to be slaughtered.  When she gets back to the van, she piles everyone in, so they can escape but their van breaks down and a man with a chainsaw is coming fast!  Can Erin and her friends escape these creepy backwood killers and still make it to the Skynyrd concert in time or are they destined to become another lampshade for the nightlight of evil?
 This is another film by Michael Bay (killer of childhood memories, Transformers) and director Marcus Nispel (Friday the 13th (2009)) and it has the similar problems as the other ones! Surprise! The story telling sucks!  Characters going back and forth, here and there for no reason at all.  They have created more family members for Leatherface that don't really do anything and given him a reason to cut people skin off.  He had a skin condition when he was younger!  What?!  All this could have been avoided with Accutane or with a visit to a dermatologist? That's just silly.  The ending, like Friday the 13,  is terrible and doesn't make sense at all.  *SPOILER* At the end, she takes the baby that lives with the crazy family?  Why!?!  No one was hurting the baby and it would just slow her down.  If she survived she could have the police take the baby.  Also, she puts the baby in real harm, when she is driving like a maniac and has it right beside her in the front seat! Maddening!  I feel bad for the cast because there were some good people in this like, Jessica Biel, Eric Balfour and R. Lee Ermey, who would have made the film enjoyable if it wasn't all over the place.  It's very disappointing coming from someone who did the screenplay for "The Machinist".  There are some interesting gory scenes but I've seen better, in early versions of this film.  Better than the Next Generation but still not as good as the original. 



2. Halloween (2007) - Ten year old, Michael Myers has a had a tough life.  His father passed away, his mom's a stripper and the asshole she's shacked up with keeps calling him a fag.  However, it's his favourite day, Halloween and after celebrating by killing his one of his pets, he heads off to school for another shitty day.  Of course, nobody likes him at school and he gets into another fight in bathroom with a couple bullies.  He's had so many altercations, the school bring in Dr. Loomis, a child psychologist who wants to help Michael, but the mom doesn't think there's any real issue. I mean boys will be boys.  On his way home from school, Michael kills the boy he got in a fight with in the bathroom and then skips home for some trick or treating that evening.  Unfortunately, his mom is working that night and his slutty sister, Judith doesn't want to take him because her boyfriend is coming over, so Michael is forced to stay home and miss his favourite holiday. :(  Later that night, Michael gets even with them all, starting with his mother's boyfriend, who he ties up and slits his throat, then his sister Judith and her boyfriend, who he butchers like pigs, like pigs I tell you.  Then collects his baby sister and waits for the cops outside in his Halloween costume.  Everyone loves a clown.  When his mom arrive, she flips out and the police come.  Michael is put under the care of Dr. Loomis at the local mental hospital, where he stays for the next 15 years.
  While he's there, he kills a nurse and starts creating a wonderful collection of masks that he enjoys wearing from time to time.  He also has stopped communicating verbally with Dr. Loomis but he's made a new friend with one of the old prison guards.  Then one evening, a new prison guard and his buddy decide to rape a new inmate and for some reason, they bring her to Michael's room and while they rape the girl, they start fucking around with his masks.  So... Michael kills them all and waits to say goodbye to his friend the prison guard.  The morning comes and his prison guard friend shows up and can't believe the carnage that gone on that night. (which nobody reported?)  He asks Michael to get back into his cell but no dice, Michael kills him and then hits the road to Haddonfield!
  In Haddonfield, Laurie Strode kisses her family goodbye and heads to school but she has to drop something off at the creepy old Myer's place.  Luckily, Tommy, the boy she babysits is there to protect her.  She drops off the paperwork and it's off to school for both of them.  Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis is losing his shit because Michael Myers has escaped!  It's Halloween and he's got to get to Haddonfield before Michael kills again!  Back in Haddonfield, Laurie has noticed a strange masked man staring at her throughout the day and she tells her girlfriends, Annie and Lynda but they think she's just imagining it and that she needs to get laid.  Annie confirms that she can drop the girl she's babysitting off with Laurie, so her and her boyfriend can have the sex and then the girls disperse for the evening.  During this time, Dr. Loomis has made it to Haddonfield and discovered that someone has crucified an animal on the grave of Michael Myers mother.
  That night, Michael Myers steam rolls through Haddonfield, searching for his little sister and murdering anyone who gets in the way.  And surprise surprise, his sister is Laurie Strode!  Who was given up for adoption after Laurie's real mother killed herself because of the heinous crimes of Michael.  Can Dr. Loomis stop this deadly family reunion and get Michael back on his meds at the sanitarium or is Haddonfield about to lose another Myers family member?
  I don't know about this film because I can appreciate where director Rob Zombie is going with this but I don't really know if I liked it that much.  What I think he's trying to do is give a back story to Michael that will give us an understanding of why, he's the way he is. The broken home and other text book linking to serial killers are interesting but I've always enjoyed about the Myers character is that he is suppose to be pure evil.  I never needed to know about his home life or anything else, all I cared about is that the killed people.  Also, all the people that he kills in the first part of the film are jerks, so it seemed that Michael was actually the hero in most of the time, instead of the villain.  There are a ton of great people in this, Malcolm McDowell, William Forsythe, Danny Trejo, Bill Mosley and even Sybil Danning and Dee Wallace show up to get killed.  There lots of blood and some good gruesome deaths.  Overall, Zombie does an interesting take on the franchise and it's worth watching but keep an open mind.



1. Night of the Living Dead (1990)  - Johnnie and Barbara are visiting their mother's grave and Johnnie is giving Barbara a hard time about being alone and single.  Johnnie sees a man stumbling in the cemetery and tells Barbara that the man is coming to get her.  As he gets closer, Johnnie is getting louder and Barbara is embarassed and wants Johnnie to stop.  The man walks by looking dazed and confused, and then Barbara is attacked by a ghoulish man from behind!  Johnnie tries to save her but is mauled by the man.  Barbara terrified runs to the car but more of these ghoulish men are surrounding her car.  She realizes that she doesn't have the keys, so she puts the car into reverse and rolls down a hill until it crashes into a tree.  Barbara runs down the hill to a farm house looking for help but it too is filled with zombies.  Luckily, a truck pulls up in front and a black man named Ben, rushes out to save her.  They get back into the house and disperse of the zombies.  Ben asks Barbara a lot of questions but she is too traumatized to answer.  They hear the basement door open and discover other people hiding from this zombie attack.  They don't know what's happening either but Tom explains that this was his uncle's house. Him and his girlfriend came to pay respects because his uncle had just passed away but while they were here today, he rose from the dead and attack his cousins.  Tom goes on to explain that, Mr.  Cooper, His wife and daughter arrived shortly after and needed a place to hide.  Unfortunately, the Cooper's daughter was bitten by a zombie and they need to get her to a doctor immediately.  Double unfortunately, Mr. Cooper is a douchebag know it all and thinks they should barricade themselves in the basement until this situation is over.  Ben thinks that's a bad idea because there are no other exits and thinks they showed board up the windows and fortify the house.  Tom and Barbara agree but the zombies are coming and there isn't much time left, so they have to hurry.  Will they ever find out what has brought the dead back to life and why the want to feed on the flesh of the living or is this motley crue going to become another buffet for this legion of the undead.
  In his first full length movie, Tom Savini does a good job recreating George Romero's classic Night of the Living Dead.  Tony Todd (Candyman, Sushi Girl) is excellent as the Ben character and Patricia Tallman does a wonderful job playing Barbara.  I was really surprised at how Savini kept the gore to a minimum.  After years of creating some of the most influential special effects, it was a little disappointing that there wasn't anything ground breaking in the gore with his turn in the director's chair.  Still, Savini gives us an excellent remake and it's almost as fun as the original.


I hadn't seen most of these remakes before this because I've always enjoyed the original and I was worried that the remake would tarnish my memories of these films but actually it's done the opposite.  After watching these films, I have a better appreciation for the love and attention to detail, that  directors like Wes Craven, John Carpenter or Tobe Hooper have given into creating these characters and stories that have carved bloody notches into our hearts.




Sunday, 24 March 2013

5 Films Where Sex Kills!


Sex can be scary at any time.  Be it when you're young and inexperienced or when you're older with a new partner, it can be down right terrifying. But it doesn't have to be that way, there are certain precautions that you can take that will make things go smoother for the first time with someone new and the first is checking out these following films.  

Here are 5 Films Where Sex Kills!



5. Soul Vengeance (aka Welcome Home Brother Charles) (1975) - Charles & his pimp friend are waiting for their drug connection when his pimp pal spots a mysterious van outside the motel.  Charles takes a look out the window and realizes that in the van, it's "The Man"!  So the two of them walk out all casual like and when they think they're out of sight, they run!  The cops start chasing them and the one racist cop ends up grabbing Charles and starts beating up him.  Luckily, Carmen the hooker there is to help break it up, just before the cops partner is there to stop the racist cop really hurting Charles.  They cuff Charles and drive him to jail, but on the way, the racist cop wants to teach Charles a lesson, so the other cop pulls over but says he doesn't want to be a part of it and leaves the car.  Good work officer.  So after beating Charles, racist cop decides to try and cut Charles's dick off for some reason but gives up luckily.  Anyway, Charles is railroaded through the court system and sent to prison for no reason by a cracka judge.  He goes to jail, with penis intact, and has terrible nightmares in jail.  Then after 3 years he's released and ready to take vengeance on the crooked cops, attorneys and judges that sent him to prison with one weapon that they'll never see coming!
  I was really stoked to see this when I read the IMDB description of this film, especially when it said, "his murder weapon is his own genitals which are now enormous and super powered as a result of the experiments he endured in prison" but it takes so long to get to this point, that it's the last 20 minutes that are really worth watching.  Unfortunately, director Jamaa Fanaka (Emma Mae, Penitentary) (RIP) spends more time at the beginning developing the racist cop character and explaining why, then he does with the genitalia that kills.  I wanted him to focus more on Charles and his murderous penis and there wasn't even any experiments.  The movie for the most part is a drama about a guy trying to go straight after going to jail and how he can't get work, so he goes back to crime.  It's not the worst sploitation film I've seen but has a horror goes, no dice.



4. Teeth (2007) - Dawn is a high school girl, who likes to hang out with her friends, Alisha and Phil and go to chastity prayer meetings.  She speaks to the younger kids about the significance of her promise ring and how it's best to save yourself for marriage.  At this prayer meeting though, she meets a new member, Tobey, who she really likes and they all go to the lake for a swim.  When they get there, Alisha points out a cave where other promiscuous teens go to make out and they all laugh about how those souls are going to hell and how they're not getting laid.  Later on, Tobey drops Dawn off and she has to listen to her douchebag step brother, Brad having sex with his girlfriend, sinners, and she tries to help her step dad take care of her dying mother.  That night, Dawn fantasizes about marrying Tobey and making sweet sweet PG rated love to him.  The next day, she calls him up and asks him to go to the beach with her again.  Soooo, they go swimming and somehow swim over to the cave where the sinners go.  Tobey and Dawn start making out but it gets a little rough.  Dawn asks Tobey to stop but he won't and he ends up knocking Dawn out.  However, this doesn't stop a classy guy like Tobey and Dawn quickly wakes up with Tobey on top of her!  She screams and then Tobey stops, turns white as a ghost and starts to back away.  Dawn sees that Tobey's penis is now missing and he's covered in blood.  Tobey freaks out and runs away, leaving Dawn and his severed winkie in the cave.  Dawn is freaked out and hits the internet to find out what her condition is.  It seems she as a very rare problem where she has teeth in her vagina called, "Vagina Dentata".  She goes to the gynecologist to verify this but the doctor is a scumbag perv, who likes to diddle his patients, and starts to mess around with Dawn.  Which ends up with his digits being bitten off.  Dawn runs out of the doctor's office, what can she do? How can she control this and is there anyway to tame a mad vagina full of teeth?
  This was a pretty funny movie at times.  Jess Wexler, who plays Dawn is really enjoyable to watch in this and John Hensley is great as her, creepy step brother, Brad.  It's not really a super gory film but I cringed for ever penis that fell, even now I shudder to think about it.  It's a good story idea, well shot and definitely something to grab if you're looking for a strange horror flick.




3. Deadgirl (2008) - During a fire drill, high school misfits, Rickie and JT skip out and head down to an abandoned mental institution to drink some beers and fuck some shit up.  When they're done smashing windows and spray painting walls upstairs, they go into the bowels of the building to explore.  When they're down there though, they encounter a vicious dog that chases them into the air ducts and they when they come out, they find a mysterious blocked door.  They get the door open and inside they find an attractive naked girl tied to a table.  Hello creepy nurse!  Rickie freaks out becuase he thinks that she's dead but JT pokes her... on the arm and they can still see that she's breathing.  Relieved, Rickie suggests that they untie her and then get out of there but JT thinks that they keep her and let her be their slave.  Rickie thinks JT is being a sick fuck and tries to untie her but JT feeds him a knuckle sandwich and Rickie runs home like a little bitch.  The next day instead of calling the cops, Rickie is out shooting some garbage in another abandoned building with his gun, when JT comes over to apologize for hitting him and tells him that he needs to show him something about the girl.  Reluctantly, Rickie goes back and JT tells him and he "accidentally" broke her neck but the girl is still alive.  Rickie tries to run out of there but JT grabs Rickie's gun and fires three rounds into the girl but the nothing happens.  The girl is fine, well has fine as she could be with three bullet holes in her, a broken neck, and being tied to a table.  Rickie agrees with JT that they'll keep her but as long as JT keeps it secret and of course JT promises. ;)
  The next day, Rickie heads down to the place and finds they're buddy, Wheeler having sex with the deadgirl.  Some secret.  The next day at school, Wheeler tells JT not to worry and that he's not gonna tell anyone but then a pair of jocks, Johnny and Dwyer,  come over and beat the crap out of them for Rickie looking at his girlfriend, Joann.  Wheeler hurt and embarrassed, tells the jocks about deadgirl and unfortunately for them, now Johnny and Dwyer want Wheeler to prove it.  They get there and JT allows them to ride the community bicycle but while Johnny is receiving oral pleasure the deadgirl bites his dick!  Terrified, they take off and the next day at school, Johnny has some sort of bowl infection, he tires to make it to the bathroom but his sphincter explodes!  Things have gotten out of control, Rickie needs to find a way to stop anyone else from finding out about the deadgirl before anyone else gets hurt!
  This isn't what I was expecting when I heard about this movie, especially from all the hype and notoriety that it received when it was first released.  The story is ok, written by Troma/Full Moon regular, Trent Haaga but there are some plot holes.  I think I was expecting more of a rape/revenge film here, but it was more of a what to do with this body kind of thing.  There's not a lot of blood but there are some disgusting scenes.  I think part of the ending ties together really well but they leave another part of it very open and I don't know if that was intentional or not.  It's not like Nekromantik,  but still it wasn't too bad for what it was and it worth a look if you like dead things.
  
  


2. Killer Condoms (1996) - One night in a seedy hotel, in the bowels of New York city, 4 men have their penis cut off while having sex.  The hookers plead with the police, blaming the deaths on a Killer Condom.  The chief thinks it's ridiculous and puts is best man on the case, Detective Mackeroni, who moved to New York from Sicily for the American dream.  His first stop is the seedy hotel and meets up with former lover and colleague Bob, now Babette, who begs Mackeroni to come back to him.  He refuses and meets a new friend, a gay prostitute named Billy which he takes upstairs to investigate but before anything goes to far, they notice a condom inching it's way towards them.  They try and catch the condom but it hides under a dresser and when Mackeroni tries to catch it, the condom bites his right nut off and escapes.  After being treated at the hospital, Mackeroni tries to convince everyone about the killer condom but no one will believe him.  The police are sure that Billy is the culprit, so now Mackeroni must find the killer condom to clear Billy's name, get revenge and save men all over the world!
  I really enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would.  The Mackeroni character reminded me of a cross between Bob Hoskins and Wilem Defoe's character in "Boondock Saints".  He's a tough gay cop and has no quams about it.  The killer condoms look awesome and the idea of having one of those things on your dong is terrifying.  Famed artist, H.R Giger (Aliens) was a creative consultant on this and apparently designed the look of the killer condoms.  I do think that it could have been tightened up the movie a bit because it runs for an hour and forty seven but other than that it's a pretty fun film that may make you appreciate packaged condoms.     




1. A Serbian Film (2010) - Milos is a retired porn star and lives modestly with his wife, Marija and their son, Petar but the bills are building up.  Over lunch with his friend and porn actress, Lejla suggests a new director, Vukmir that she is working with and how he wouldn't have to worry about money if he did this one film.  He's not sure but he said he will talk to Marija and then his brother, Marko, the corrupt cop shows up and Lejla excuses leaves.  The brothers have lunch and talk about the idea of the project and working with Vukmir.  The next day, Milos goes to meet Vukmir and is showered with compliments from Vukmir about the his past work in films.  He asks Milos to work in his next picture and whispers a number to Milos.  Milos is stunned at the figure and then asks what he has to do.  Vukmir tells him not to worry and he doesn't like to let his talent know what's going on because he wants to get the real emotional reaction of the person when they're filming.  Weary but excited, Milos goes home to talk to Marija about this new business venture.  At first, she is hesitant but after Milos whispers how much he wil get paid for this film, then she is on board.  Milos goes over to sign the contract but is unable to read it, Vukmir tells him not to worry, it's the same old bullshit contract and you can have someone look over it later after you have signed it.  Again not comfortable with the project but looking at the big payoff, Milos signs off and asks again what the film is going to be about and Vukmir tells him that he'll see him tomorrow.
  The next day, Milos shows up at an orphanage for the shoot, the filming starts as soon as he arrives.  He walks in and is led by a lady down the hall to a stairwell where he encounters a young girl, Jeca.  Jeca's mother comes into the scene and scolds her daughter and is dragged off the set.  Milos is then brought into a dark room, with video screens of Jeca eating ice seductively, and the lady, who had brought him down the hall comes in and gives him head.  The following day, Milos shows up to the same dark room, to find Jeca's mother beaten and Vukmir wants Milos to beat her and have sex with her.  Milos starts and then notices that Jeca is in the room watching.  Milos stops and refuses to perform until Jeca is not in the room.  Vukmir refuses and Milos walks off the set and quits.
  Vukmir calls him in to discuss their issue and shows him a video of a woman giving birth.  After the woman gives birth, a guy has sex with the baby.  Milos tells Vukmir to turn it off and that he doesn't want anything to do with him and leaves.  Unfortunately, there must have been something in his drink at Vukmir office because he passes out at a stop light just has Vukrim's nurse is coming over to collect him.  The next morning, he wakes up in his own house in bed, he's covered in blood, doesn't remember the night before and doesn't know where Marija and Petar are!  He must now retrace his steps, find out what happened last night and save his family from the mad pornographers hell bent for the most depraved cinema ever!
  Banned in a few countries and on everybody's list of most disgusting cinema, I must say that it is probably one of the most disturbing films that I've seen in a while.  And unlike a number of films on those lists, it's not even a bad film, it's actually pretty good.  Director Srdjan Spasojevic achieves what I think he set out to do, which is to make one of the most over the top horror movies that people will talk about for a long time and once you've seen this movie, I doubt that you'll ever forget it.  He takes the level of violence and sexual depravity to such new heights that it would make Wes Craven or Meir Zarchi turn their heads and say that's enough.  I'm not saying that the content in the film is ok for everyone and I think this is where horror films should be going but what I can appreciate most about this film,  is in a climate full remakes and treading over old ground, it's nice to find an original story, with a lot of twists and turns and an incredibly disturbing ending that is true to the story.  Sure the content is gross but you have to remember that this just a film and nobody actually was hurt, raped or killed.  Good movie but I'm not sure it's for everybody tastes.


Outside being anally probed by aliens these are probably the worst things that will never happen to you, I hope?!  So, just make sure that you are polite, generous, protected and everybody should be ok.  Although, it never hurts to look for teeth.


Sunday, 17 March 2013

5 More Horror Films from the Emerald Isle


It's that time of year again, the time when the streets turn green with vomit and everyone you know has an Irish accent.  The time, when The Pogues are finally getting some air time on the radio and the only horror movie any one can ever think of to recommend is Leprechaun.  However, like last year, I went rooting around and found a few more titles from the Emerald Isle, that will send shivers down yer spine and have you holding on to yer Blarney stones for dear life.
 
Here are 5 More Horror Films from the Emerald Isle:

5. Botched (2007) - After a diamond heist goes wrong, Ritchie's boss, Mr. Groznyi gives him one more chance to work off his family's debt.  Groznyi wants him and a couple other guys to get him an antique cross that is locked away in a safe on the top floor of a penthouse apartment.  Having no choice, Ritchie takes the job and meets with his two partners, Peter and his idiot brother, Yuri.  They break into the penthouse without a problem, but Peter kills the woman after she gives him the cross.  They bolt out of the apartment and back into the elevator.  Unfortunately, the elevator makes a stop on a floor and a group of christian Russian women get on the elevator.  Peter tries to persuade the ladies to get off and take the next one, but he just lets a few more people on the elevator.  Fuck it! The elevator starts going down and gets stuck on the unfinished 13 floor.  Thinking that it's the police who stopped the elevator, Peter pulls out his gun and takes the everyone hostage.  They move everyone off the elevator into  one of the many rooms of this labyrinth floor.  However, they learn that it is not the police, but a descendent of Ivan the Terrible, who has stooped the elevator and lured them down there, so he can kill them off one by one! Can Ritchie escape this madman and pay his debt to Groznyi or will he become another sacrifice to this devil?
  This was a strange film and I'm always apprehensive when I see Stephen Dorff (The Gate) in a film but it was actually okay.  It seemed a little scattered in areas, like the madman in his viking gear, ballet dancing to his kills and all the goofy traps that are scattered around the floor.  Most of the characters are pretty text book and can be humorous at time but Stephen Dorff is actually quite good as Ritchie and so is Jaime Murray (Dexter: Season 2) as Anna, the hostage/love interest for Ritchie.  Sean Pewtree, also shows up as Groznyi but he isn't in the film that much but when he is, it's good.  There are some good bloody scenes and the body count is pretty decent but it's a shame that they tried to make it funnier than making it more gruesome.  I think if the spent more time with the killing instead of the lame jokes, it would have been better.  I've seen better but it still enjoyable and has it's moments.  Worth watching after a few beers and these are times I wish I drank.


4. Grabbers (2012) - A group of fishermen are working during the night, when they see a mysterious flash of light hurtling out of the sky.  One of them runs to tell his father, when all of a sudden, the crew starts disappearing off the boat.  The fisherman realizing he's the last one on the boat, left looks up and screams in horror at what is coming toward him.  The next morning, a young Garda named Lisa is coming over to the island for 2 weeks of training.  When she gets there, Garda O'Shea is there, half in the bag from the night before, to pick her up and he is that excited about having a rookie on his team for the next couple weeks.  Meanwhile, on a boat, fisherman and local town drunk, Paddy Barrett pulls in an unusual creature in his lobster cage.  He shows it to his buddy Murphy but he says that it's not a lobster and then Murphy gets squirted in the face with some kind of goo.  Back at the station, O'Shea gets a call to come down to the beach because there are a number of dead pilot whales there.  When they get there, Dr. Smith, a marine biologist, is already there and is confused at how they all died.  O'Shea assures him that this happens all the time and not to worry, then packs up and heads over to a construction sight to get some buddies to clear the beach of the whales.  During that rainy night, a mysterious creature attacks Murphy and his wife in their home and the crew, O'Shea hold to clear the beach disappear as well.  The next morning reports are flooding in of disturbances,  then Paddy Barrett comes in and tells Lisa and O'Shea that he has a monster in his bathtub.  When they go to investigate Paddy's tub, they find a tentacled monster that is hungry for human flesh!  Could this be the creature that is causing the disturbance on their tiny island or is this just the tip of iceberg and they may be in for a bigger problem soon?
  This movie was pretty terrific and I really liked the fact that it's a creature from space!  Director Jon Wright blends a great mix of horror/comedy, that it puts it up there with "Shaun of the Dead".  The story is well written and I thought the solution to keep the creatures from eating people was pretty funny.  You'll have to watch to find out.  The casting is spot on with Richard Coyle (Outpost: Black Sun, Coupling) as O'Shea and Ruth Bradley (Alarm, In Her Skin) as Lisa.  They play well off each other, her the straight cop and him the alcoholic, reminds me a bit of Scully and Mulder from the X Files, in some instances.  There isn't a lot of blood but there are plenty of dismembered heads flying around and some intense monster scenes.  The creatures doesn't look all that complex but it can be pretty terrifying when those arms come flying out.  If you've been jonesing for a good creature feature in the midst of this zombie/vampire take over, check this out and you won't be disappointed. 


3. Wake Wood (2011) - Patrick and Louise's young daughter, Alice gets mauled by a dog and the grief forces the couple relocate to the small remote town of Wake Wood.  One evening on their way home, their car breaks down and they go to Patrick's boss, Arthur's house for some help.  Unfortunately, no one seems to be home and while Patrick is knocking on doors, Louise wanders into the wood and sees the rest of the town performing a strange pagan ritual.  She gets spooked, when she catches Arthur's eye and runs back to Patrick but doesn't tell him what she saw.  When they get home, Arthur is there waiting for them and tells them he is just checking up on them to make sure they were ok with the bad weather and all.  Louise soon learns from her new friend, Mary that the town has a secret, which is they have the ability to bring back the dead for three days.  Patrick and Louise go to Arthur and beg him to bring Alice back.  He tells them that he can only bring back people who have been dead for less than a year because if they're in the ground any longer then something will go wrong.  Wary of the consequence, the couple tells him she has been dead for less than a year and Arthur puts the ceremony in motion.  Luckily, a older man dies in a cattle accident and his widow begrudgingly gives them permission to use his remains to be the vessel to bring back their dead daughter.  Now, that's a favour!  That night the town comes together to perform the gruesome ceremony and it seems to go off without a hitch.  Bringing back the dead can be tricky.  Alice returns and has no memory of what has happened to her.  Patrick and Louise bring her home but shortly after getting her all cleaned up, they notice a strange difference in their little girl and then bad things start happening, like animals and people being killed.  Is this to good to be true for the couple or have they opened up a door that may never be closed again?
  I was concerned about this film when I decided to watch it because it was getting some blase reviews and I didn't like the look of the film when it first started.  But after watching it, I thought it was pretty great and think director David Keating puts together a great horror film with a lot of emotional ties to it.  Very similar to Pet Sematary, his characters are dealing with the grief of losing a child and will give anything for one more moment with their child.  Aiden Gillen (Game of Thrones) and Eva Birthistle (Daisy Chain, The Children) compliment each other very well.  Also, Timothy Spall (Harry Potter franchise) is quite good as Arthur, the leader of the Wake Wood community.  There are some gruesome scenes that don't pull any punches, like Alice being mauled by the dog and the rebirthing ceremony, which is so bloody that you'll want to turn away but you won't be able to.  The ending has some very nice twists and turns that will leave the film wanting more.  Great film and totally worth checking out!


2. Citadel (2012) - Tommy and his pregnant girlfriend, Joanne are moving out of their run down apartment building.  Tommy puts the last load into the car and gets into the shitty elevator.  When he gets to his floor, the elevator gets stuck and he watches as three hoodie youths start beating the crap out of Joanne! Tommy finally breaks free of the elevator and gets her to the hospital but it's too late.  She has passed away but they were able to save the baby.  This event turns Tommy, now single parent, into a agoraphobic and has a hard time leaving his house, unless it's for meetings about his agoraphobia.   He is attacked again by these feral children while coming home and is warned by an angry priest that these feral children will not stop attacking him until they have stolen his daughter away.  The priest tells him that the only way to stop these attacks and cure his agoraphobia is to face them and burn their building down, which happens to be the building he just moved out of.  He refuses but after these evil kids break into his home and kidnap his daughter, all bets are off.  Now with the help of the priest, Tommy must face his fear and save his daughter from these wild monster kids!
  For his first movie, director Ciaran Foy does a really nice job.  The film has some terrifying moments that will make you jump and there is a lot of tension that surrounds the film.  I think, Aneurin Barnard (Ironclad) is terrific as Tommy and James Cosmo (Sons of Anarchy) is great as the angry priest.  The only issue I have is sometimes these feral children are relentless and unstoppable and sometimes they don't attack him for no reason.  I understand the ending, don't get me wrong but there was a scene on the bus, that I don't get and another in the house, both times I thought he should have been dog meat for these kids.  Other than that, it's a great scary movie and I'm looking forward to seeing more from Ciaran Foy.  Check it out! 


1. Stitches (2012) - It's Tom's 10th birthday and his mom has hired a clown to entertain him and his friends.  Unfortunately, Stitches is a shitty clown and is taunted, mocked and accidentally killed by Tommy and his friends. Whoops!  On the night of the funeral, Tommy finds a gag left by Stitches and runs it over to the cemetery to place it on the grave.  When he's there, he's sees a strange clown procession go into what looks like an abandon mausoleum.  He follows the clowns and watches a secret ceremony for their clown brother.  He sees them place the egg Stitches painted on a shelf but he is seen by the clown leader and giving a warning that Stitches may return to exact his revenge on them and finish the party!  Then he wakes up, it's 6 years later and he has a birthday coming up in a couple days.  His mom tells him that she's going to be away on business this weekend but he can have a friend come over.  When he gets to school, things have changed in since his party for Tom and his friends. He still has some core friends like Richie, Bulger and Vinny but the girl he loves, Kate is seeing someone else and Paul and Mary bully him.  While in class, he tells Vinnie about his mom going away and Vinnie thinks they should have a party.  While contemplating the idea, he starts hallucinating about Stitches the clown brutally killing his friend.  Luckily the bell rings, he wakes up and it's off to the next class.  After some prodding by his friends, Tom decides to have the party and word gets out like wildfire!  Unfortunately for Tom, the hallucinations are becoming more frequent and he thinks he's going mad.
  Saturday night comes quickly and the house soon fills up with people ready to party but little do they know, Stitches the clown has now risen from the grave and is ready to party too.  Kate arrives at the house but Tom is really high and they awkwardly talk to each other.  All of a sudden a crazy clown bursts into the party and pins Tom on the ground, then starts hitting him!  Fortunately, it's just Paul being an asshole and tells everyone to take a fucking joke.  Paul heads upstairs to get changed and to take a piss, when he meets Stitches and has his block knocked off.  Stitches starts going through the party guests and getting his revenge on those who wronged him.  Can Tommy and his friends stop this evil clown from killing everyone in his house and put this clown down in the ground again?
  This has to be one of the best clown horror films that I've seen.  Director Conor McMahon (Dead Meat) seems to understand what makes clowns both funny and creepy and is able to portray that on screen.  The character Stitches the Clown at first reminds me of Bobcat Goldwaith's Shakes the Clown, derelict clown who isn't very funny but when he comes back from the grave for revenge, he reminds me of Freddy Krueger from the NOES franchise.  Reminiscent of Krueger, Stitches kills them with a purpose and in a way that is ironic and amusing.  Ross Noble does a bang up job as Stitches and I would love to see a sequel from these guys.  The main characters were very good as well and reminded me of the kids from The Inbetweeners.  I liked how the kids weren't the popular kids or the geeks but the forgettable teens in the middle, which worked for a lot of good comedy in the middle of the film.  A lot of well thought out kills with excellent special effects that will put a smile on your face.  This is a definite must seem if you like scary clowns... or even if you don't!



These films will go down just as smooth as any logger, so why not take in a few while yer recovering from the night before. 


Sunday, 10 March 2013

5 Films with Horrific Babies

  Having a baby can be stressful and scary but having an evil baby can compound your fears into a full blown nightmare.  There's no What to Expect book when it's a demon spawn for the 9th circle of hell and who speaks Latin these days to understand it.  Most parents will have the support of their friend, neighbour and religious affiliations but the evil baby parents where do they run to when being attacked or who do the turn to when there baby needs blood.  Luckily, these films can help those parents bring up a proper malevolent creature that will someday enslave the world for it's unholy father/beast.

 Here are 5 Films with Horrific Babies:

5. The Baby (1973) - Social worker Ann Gentry begins investigating the Wadsworth family, which consists of Mrs. Wadsworth, her two grown daughters, Alba and Germaine and her son, simply known as "Baby".  Baby, however, is in his twenties and is believed to have a mental disability that makes him act like a baby.  Ann thinks that Baby could live a normal life if he is taken out of the care/harm of Mrs. Wadworth and his sisters.  She tells Mrs. Wadsworth right away that she asked for this case specifically and after multiple visits Mrs. Wadworth becomes suspicious of Ann Gentry's intent.  It becomes a sloppy cat and mouse game, which Ann finally becomes the victor and steals Baby away but Mrs. Wadworth has a plan to get him back and it may involve an axe.
  This film was really disappointing for me in many ways.  From reading different synopsizes, it sounded strange and disturbing but I found it mostly plodding and dull, until the end.  Maybe it's not what I was expecting and there are a couple of disturbing scenes, like Baby gets cattle prodded, the babysitter gets beaten up and even a cheap incest scene with Alba and Baby, but we all saw that cumming a mile away.  The horror element is just so few and far between that it makes it frustrating to watch and it isn't silly enough to make you laugh.  The ending does pick up but it's too late and the twist is so lame that it's not worth the 80 plus minutes that you put into it.  The only good thing in this movie is Ruth Roman (Strangers On The Train), who plays the Mrs. Woodworth.  I found her convincing as an angry mother, who loves her son but has some real men issues. It's a shame this was one of her last films.  I think, director Ted Post tried to hard to make this more serious than it should have been with a story that could have been a great B-movie.  Too much drama, not enough violence and other weird shit.  See it at your own risk. 


4. It's Alive! (1974) - Frank and Lenore Davis are about to have their second child, so they pack up their things, drive their son, Chris to creepy Uncle Charlie's house and head over to the hospital.  Like most 1970's maternity wards, Frank is smoking in the waiting room with the other nervous expecting fathers, while Lenore is legs up in labor and the doctor can't believe the size of the babies head.  The doctor tells her not to worry and after a little snip everything will be ok, but moments later, Frank hears ungodly screams coming from the delivery room.  He rushes to see what is going on, only to be stopped by a bloody orderly! (An orderly covered in blood)  He rushes into the operating room to find all of the doctors dead and his poor Lenore crying hysterically.  The police are brought in to investigate but it's too late, the monster baby has escaped.  So, the doctors discharge Lenore and Frank brings her home but little do they know that their baby is on his way home, creating a bloody trail of carnage.  Can the police catch the critter in time to save the town from this tiny terror?
   This is a fun B-movie, directed by Larry Cohen, who has also made some of favourites like The Stuff, Hell Comes to Harlem and Black Caesar.  The pacing is slow but there are some good scenes with the monster baby doing it's thing.  John P. Ryan and Sharon Farrell are alright, as parents torn between loving their new born and accepting the fact that it's a monster that kills.  Special effects master Rick Baker created the hideous creature and did the make-up on the film.  I was most surprised that Bernard Hermann scored this film, I guess he owed someone a favour.  Classic horror film with cheap kills and laughable thrills.


3. Born (2007) - Mary Elizabeth is going to her mother's funeral with her family.  The service concludes, so Mary Elizabeth takes a stroll through the cemetery and is sucked into ground by some evil force.  She is woken up by her family and remembers nothing, so she thinks that she may have fainted but when she gets home and weighs herself, she is fifteen pounds heavier and feeling nauseous.  She realizes that she is preggers but is confused because she is still a virgin?  This enrages her holier than thou, way way older sister, Catherine, who of course tries to drown her for having a baby out of wedlock.  Someone stops this and her father, who looks like her grandfather and is a former doctor, checks her out and sees that the hymen is still intact and he pronounces this as an immaculate conception.  A strange Cardinal tells the church that this is the work of the demon Asmodeus and there will be six slayings in the next six months before the demon child can be born.  So they put their best guy and ex-marine, Father Nick to keep an eye on Mary Elizabeth and to kill the baby demon when the time comes.  Soooooo, Mary Elizabeth starts keeping a diary and she starts becoming possessed by the demon, who forces her to go out and kill to feed the demon child.  Can Mary Elizabeth survive the next six months with the demon secret or can her family and her church save her in time?
   Director Richard Friedman (Phantom of the Mall) pieces together one of the strangest and unintentionally humorous films, I've seen in a while.  This astonishing tale was written by Alex D'Lerma, who also plays the Father Nick and luckily this was his last screenplay to date because it is all over the place.  Luckily, it has some veterans that hold the film together, like Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th), Denise Crosby and a relatively new comer in Alison Brie. Alison Brie is batshit insane in this movie and I don't know if it was Friedman's direction or how she envisioned the character but it is fucked up and funny to watch.  I am surprised and so glad that she continued to work after watching her in this movie because, man, you'd have to see it to believe it.  Speaking of seeing to believe, most of the CG is aren't fantastic but there is a lot of crazy bloody scenes.  My favourite is when the father opens up Mary Elizabeth stomach to find the demon, I never realized the uterus was like a cookie jar.  Confusing yes! Worth watching? Sure, if you can get past the first 15 minutes, you should be pretty good to get through the rest because your too far along to abort.


2. Baby Blood (1990) - The circus has just received a new Leopard for it's show and Yanka and the others think there might be something wrong with it because the other animals have been acting strange since it arrived.  A few days later, Yanka's cruel boyfriend/circus owner hears screams from the animal cages and he goes over to investigate while Yanka tries to get back to sleep.  When he arrives, he sees that the leopard has exploded and the trainer can't understand why or how this has happened. While Yanka's boyfriend and the trainer are trying to figure out what happened, a snake like parasite slithers into Yanka's trailer and impregnates her.  Did anyone order the Black Mamba?  The next morning, she realizes that she is pregnant and flees in fear of what her boyfriend may do to her.  A few month's later, the boyfriend tracks her down to a scuzzy apartment.  He tries to convince her to come back, but she murders him and drinks his blood.  Her fetus tells her that if she doesn't continue to kill people to feed it, the fetus will destroy her from the inside and demonstrates it's power by crippling her. When she agrees to kill and feed the evil seed, the fetus lets her go.  Now they're on the run, moving from town to town, trying to find fresh victims for the thing living in her belly!  Can Yanka escape and stop the evil fetus before it's too late? Probably not.
  I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed this movie, there is some serious blood shed going on here.  Yanka, nor the fetus fuck around when it comes to eating and the the killings become more and more gruesome as time goes on.  I like that the fetus has a different voice, unlike in Born where Mary Elizabeth speaks for the demon and it's almost laughable.  With the other voice, it makes it more creepy and you're not sure if Yanka is the only one that can here it.  Also, I like the creature when it's born, the way it looks and the fact that it wants to get back to the sea, screams of Lovecraftian lore. There is times that the pacing can be a bit slow but overall it's good watch and you won't be disappointed.  Couldn't find an English trailer, sorry. :)


1. Rosemary's Baby (1968) - Guy and Rosemary are a young married couple looking for the perfect apartment and they think they've found it in the Bramford building.  Over dinner with their friend Hutch, they discover that it has bad reputation of peculiar accidents and have been linked to witchcraft by a former tenant; a man named Marcato, who claimed that he had conjured the devil and then was killed for blasphemy inside the building.  Neither, witchcraft nor early 19th century mob violence sways them from the Bramford and they move right in! Rosemary even makes a new friend with Terry the girl who lives next door.  Terry tells her that the owners of the apartment, the Castevets are a wonderful elderly couple, who took her in when she was having a hard time.  She also shows Rosemary the lovely charm that they gave her and she notices that it has an unusual smell, but Terry is used to it now and she says it keeps her safe. That night, Rosemary tells Guy about the neighbours, then they hear through the wall, funny chanting and it sounds like a weird party going on next door.  Crazy old people.
  A few days later, Guy and Rosemary return home and see a bunch of police cars around their building.  Rosemary rushes over and sees that her new besty Terry has committed suicide.  At the same time the Castevets, Roman and Minnie arrive and don't seem that shocked to see the girl they cared for lying in a pool of her own blood.  Rosemary tells them about all the nice things Terry said about them and Roman invites them over for dinner.  Rosemary accepts the request and the next night they go, even though Guy lost the acting gig, he was up for and doesn't want to have dinner with these people.  Guy's tune changes over dinner and is mesmerized by Roman's stories, but Rosemary is feeling annoyed with how intrusive Minnie is becoming.  At the end of the evening, they go home and they have switched opinions of Castevets.   The next night, Guy wants to visit Roman again, but Rosemary is tired and wants to stay home, read and relax.  So Guy goes over and Minnie and her friend come over to crotchet, how fun.  Later that night, Guy returns home and tells Rosemary that he thinks they should have a baby!  Sure, why not!  The next night, Guy finds out that he got the acting gig because the actor they went with, now has mysteriously become blind.  Hooray for blindness! After dinner, Minnie bring over some chocolate mousse which Rosemary thinks has a chalky under taste but she finishes it not to be rude.  Now, it's time for some sexy sex but Rosemary passes out and has these incredible "dreams".  She "dreams" that she is stripped down and brought to the basement of the building, where she is surrounded by chanting old naked people. Eww! Roman, Minnie and Guy are there and then some sort of beast comes out of the darkness and rapes her while everybody watches.  When she wakes up, she is back in her own bed and tells Guy about the weird dream.  Guy tells her he didn't want to miss the baby making opportunity, so he had sex with her while she was unconscious.  Classy guy.  Rosemary notices a scratch on her arm and Guy apologizes for being too rough.
  After that evening's romp, Rosemary becomes pregnant and the Castevets get their friend to be her doctor.  As the pregnancy goes on, more strange things start to happen and Hutch ends up dying in a weird coma but leaves her a book on the occult.  After reading the book and connecting some of the strange occurrences, Rosemary starts to believe that the Castevets are witches and want to steal her baby so the can feed it to the devil!  Can Rosemary convince Guy that evil is a foot and the elderly couple next door want to sacrifice their first born or will the sweet elderly couple be able to bring forth the dark ruler with the flesh and blood of her innocent newborn?
  Perhaps one of director Roman Polanski's most famous films, Rosemary's Baby is a different kind of horror movie.  Although there are no bloody scenes per sa, the under lying theme of the occult and witchcraft leaves a uneasy feeling in the viewer.  The audience follows Rosemary's journey through the joys of learning of the baby, the feelings of isolation and fear of mother hood and the terror of knowing that harm could come to her baby.  Mia Farrow portrays the character, Rosemary very well and John Cassavetes is excellent as her husband Guy.  Ruth Gordon took home a well deserved Oscar for best supporting role as Minnie Castevets and there are a number of notable talent people that can be seen in smaller roles throughout the film.  It's an interesting story about witchcraft, how people never really know there neighbours and the brinks of insanity that old people can drive you too.   A great horror film, that won't let you cut the cord.



So, when your getting up for that midnight feeding, rocking the car seat at 2 a.m or trying to find your sanity that you left with the pacifier somewhere in the house; check again for a tail and horns and if you can't find them, count yourself lucky because they're only going to be this age once and then the real evil begins when they're teenagers.


Sunday, 3 March 2013

5 Horror Movies that Have Gone To the Dogs


People like dogs, they're cute and cuddly and if Timmy falls down a well, then you know that they will be right there barking up a storm.  However like people, not all dogs are friendly and willing shake your paw or lick your face.  So the go out and look for acceptance somewhere else and unfortunately, they can fall into the wrong pack. The next thing you know, there pissing on people's lawns, howling at all hours and attacking people for no reason, like the dogs in the films.

Here are 5 Horror Movies that Have Gone To the Dogs:

5. Monster Dog (aka Leviatan) (1984) - Famous rocker Vincent Raven and his friends/video crew are heading back to his family's mansion to shoot a video for his new hit single.  The only person left in the mansion is the butler, Jos and he's making some lovely sandwiches for everybody when he hears a noise outside.  When he goes to investigate, he is met by a pack of angry dogs and becomes supper for them. On the way home, Vince and friends are stopped by the police told about a pack of dogs have just killed 5 people in the town and they need to get indoors right away.  While the deputy is star struck, the sheriff recognizes Vince and alludes to the mysterious death of Vince's father but he waves them through and wishes them a good night.  Further on the travels to the mansion, Vince accidentally runs over a dog on the road, so the gang gets out of the van and using a rock, Vince puts the dog out of his/her misery.  After Vince murders the dog, a crazy old with a bloody shirt tells them that the monster dog is gonna get them for killing that dog and then he wanders into the woods.  Vince and his girlfriend go to look for the crazy old man, cuz we should waste more dialogue on that guy, but end up seeing a glimpse of the Monster dog! Who lets them go back to their van?  Anyway, they finally get to the house and can't find Jos.  While everyone eats the lovely sandwhichs, Vince grabs a shotgun and searches for Jos but can't find him anywhere.   Everyone goes to bed, the 3 girls all in one bed and maybe the 3 guys..., who knows but Angela gets out of bed and finds everyone has been murdered.  The old man is screaming at her that it's Vince and he's gonna kill her too!  Then she wakes up, everyone comforts her and they all go back to sleep.  The next morning, it's time to shoot their rock video!  So during a montage, we get to see everyone get ready and having fun!  Then it's time to shoot the video.  While shooting the video, Angela notices a silhouetted body leaning against the upper window.  Somehow it crashes through and hits the ground.  It's Jos and he's dead!  Angela freaks out and runs away, so Vince grabs a gun and chases after her.  Before he goes, he tells the rest of his friend/crew to lock the door and not to let anyone in.  While Vince is searching for Angela, a group of men wanting to kill Vince for his father's mysterious crimes come to the house and hold the crew/friends hostage.  The men tell them that Vince is the monster dog and he controls other dogs with his mind.  Can Vince find Angela, save the rest of his friends/employees and prove that he's a not the monster dog or will Vince get neutered by this gang of ruffians when he returns with Angela?  Alice Cooper stars in this movie and I really wish it was much better.  Unsurprisingly, director Claudio Fragasso (Troll 2) is all over the place with this movie and dogs don't even really show up until the very end.  It's such a hodge podge of dream sequences, angry villagers, dogs, werewolves that it's really hard to find where he's going with this.  Alice Cooper is pretty good, but I've seen him in better and the songs that he contributes to the film are ok.  I didn't recognize anyone else in this cuz it was made in Spain, hopefully they've done better work on other pictures.  The monster dog kinda sucks and is only shown a few times.  They spend more time on gun battle scenes instead of them fighting off these viscous strays or battling the monster dog.  I wish they could have shown the other 5 victims being attacked because that's what I wanted to see.  Not the worst movie ever, you'll have some chuckles at the absurdness but the pacing is slow and can become tedious.  No trailer, so here's part of the Alice Cooper video from the movie.



4. The Pack (aka The Long Dark Night) (1977) - Marine biologist, Jerry lives on Seal Island with his girlfriend, Millie and their two sons.  Seal Island has just finished their tourist season with only one group of people left on the island and the locals (3 other guys) can't wait for them to leave.  Apparently, tourists get dogs for the summer and the leave them on the island when they go back to the city, so they are a lot of wild dogs on the island.  Anyhooo, Jerry takes a trip to the dump and lets his dog, Riley chase a rabbit out into the woods.  After being gone for just few minutes, Riley limps back with his leg injured, so Jerry goes and has a look and finds a feral dog growling at him.  He walks back slowly to the car and then drives quickly into town to warn the residents, all 3 of them, about the wild dog.  He lets them know that he'll hunt it down in the morning.  Unfortunately, tomorrow is not soon enough because when blind old Mr. McMinnimee, returns home after hearing the news, he is ripped to shreds by a pack of dogs.  Oh Jerry! The next morning will Jerry is out hunting for that dog, Millie hears some rassling by da chicken coop.  She goes to see what's going on and a pack of dogs chase her into her car.   About 15 dogs are trying to get at her, when Jerry runs back because he heard the commotion and fires his rifle into the air.  Frightened the dogs take off and Millie is safe for now, so Jerry gets her in the house and heads out to find their kids.  Elsewhere on the island, Tommy, one of the tourists, is tired of his dad forcing the hot secretary, Lois on him.  So he takes a walk in the woods with Lois in tow.  While in the woods, they are accosted by a pack of dogs and Tommy bravely runs away as fast as his plump little legs can go, leaving Lois behind.  The dogs like a meaty treat and chase after Tommy to the edge of a cliff.  Tommy slips on the edge and plummets to his death on the rocks below.  The dogs then go after Lois and make a meal out of her.  Meanwhile, Jerry finds his kids and gets them back to the house, then heads back to town to warn everyone else.  Once he collects the other islanders, Cobb and Hardiman, they all head over to help the tourists, Mr. & Mrs. Dodge and their accountant, Walter but they're already out looking for Tommy.  And Lois, kind of.  Jerry lets them know what's going on and they head back to the house.  After a while, Mr. Dodge gets tired of waiting, steals Jerry's truck and goes looking for his son but all he finds is a lot of trouble!  He is attacked by the dogs but luckily Jerry shows up in time.  They get Mr. Dodge back to the house but he dies once he's there.  The dogs are now surrounding the house and they have no way out, what's a marine biologist to do?  This was alright and pretty enjoyable for what it is.  Joe Don Baker (Mitchell, The Children) explodes into character in this K9 horror, as the marine biologist Jerry! He swaggers around with his rifle, looking for dogs to kill and has a really heartfelt moment at the end of the picture.  Fans of older films might recognize some of the other faces, like Richard B. Shull (Sssssss), R.G. Armstrong (EvilSpeak, Children of the Corn) and Paul Wilson (Cheers) but don't feel bad if you don't.  The story is mediocre but like most these films the dog attacking scenes are really good.  Plenty of blood and it's fun to watch these people get mauled by dogs.  Trust me, you won't be barking up the wrong tree with this one.


3. Dog Soldiers - A young couple on a camping trip are settled for the night, when something tears them out of their tent and they are never seen again.  At the same time, Private Cooper is being chased through the same woods and attacked by a special forces unit.  It's soon revealed that this is a tryout exercise for the special forces unit and to complete the test, he just needs to shoot a dog in the face.  Cooper refuses to kill an innocent animal and Captain Richard Ryan stamps failure on Cooper's forehead and shoots the dog.  A month later, more soldiers, including Private Cooper are on yet another training mission.  They head out to battle against another unit but find their camp bloody and in shambles.  The only surviving member of that unit is Captain "Dogfaceshooter" Ryan.  They ask what happened but Ryan has been badly injured and can't explain what happened.  Cooper's unit is then attacked by a group of animals and they start to losing men.  Sergeant Wells is injured and Cooper helps him, literally, stuff his guts back in and they get the surviving members down to the road.  Luckily, a woman, Megan, is in a jeep driving past them and stops to help them.  She drives them to an abandon cabin, where the soldiers barricade themselves in and try to keep Ryan and Wells alive.  Unfortunately, the beasts are giant dog/werewolves creatures and they are hungry for human flesh. They follow the soldiers back to the cottage and try to bust down the doors.  Can Cooper finally shoot a dog in the head and prove to Ryan that he's not a puff or are they going to be nothing but kibbles and bits, and bits, and bits for the monsters?  Director Neil Marshall (The Descent, Doomsday) tells a good story here but I feel that there was something missing.  Maybe it was the look of the film because it looks like it was a made for TV film and not a motion picture.  The acting was ok with Sean Pewtree (Botched) and Kevin McKidd (Trainspotting) in the lead roles but their characters weren't very complex and you could kind of see things coming.   I don't want to sound negative because there were some really good elements in this, like the dog/werewolves were really good and very scary.  Also, I did enjoy all the blood shed and the body parts thrown around, it's definitely good and gory.  Overall, for his first full length Marshall did a tremendous job and you should check it out if you get a chance. 


2. The Breed (2006)- A young couple are sailing and they notice a mysterious island, so they go over to check it out.  The girl runs head of the guy, up the hill and into the forest, where she discovers a base of some kind that is surrounded by a fence.  She starts to head back to the boat and she is attacked by, you guessed it, dogs!  Her boyfriend runs into the forest to find her and there is a shot of the island and you can hear him screaming.  Later on, a seaplane lands in a bay and group of friends pop out.  Brothers John and Matt have inherited a house on this island from their strange uncle and the gang thought they could use a break for the books for the weekend.  Along with John and Matt is Matt's girlfriend and John's ex-girlfriend, Nicki, party girl, Sara and their other friend, Noah.  Most of the talk is about how Matt is an uptight nerd and John is the bad boy, who is going nowhere.  They walk up to the cabin and Sara finds a puppy, so they take it in and feed it.  They get the power running for the cabin and then it's time to party!  The group drinks a lot and montages around about them having fun.  At the end of the day, the puppy growls at them and then takes off.  Sara runs after it and is ambushed by a bigger dog and is bitten.  The gang gets her back in the house and future vet and general buzz kill, Matt suggests that they need to get her off the island and get Sara to a hospital.  Rabies, Shmabies, we're here to party!  Sara decides to stay and then they all go to bed.  The next morning, Sara is acting strange and seems to have become more aggressive at times, especially over bacon but then again who isn't aggressive over bacon.  Matt, John and Noah decide to go into the forest to do man things and girls stay home to talk about cooking, relationships and girl stuff.  While in the woods, they run into the guy from the boat, who is covered in blood and he warns them about the dogs.  Coincidentally, after he tells them about the dogs, he is attacked and killed by the dogs, which really drives that message home.  The boys run back to the cabin and scream to the ladies on the dock to get back to the house.  A dog grabs Nicki's leg just as she reaches the stairs, luckily John has a bow and arrow and fires at the vicious pooch but the dog is too smart and dodges, allowing the arrow to plunge into Nicki's leg.  Ouch!  They pull Nicki into the house and Matt pulls the arrow out of the leg of his one true love.  They decide now is a good time to get the fuck off the island but the dogs have the seaplane surrounded.  After a few hours, they notice that the dogs are gone but the seaplane is floating away!  They make a break for the plane and John jumps into the water to catch the plane before it floats out to sea.  Sara and Nicki notice that the ties to the dock have been chewed through and just as John is about to reach the plane, he sees the dogs are waiting for him on the wing.  You were tricked by dogs!  The gang runs back to the house just in time and now the must figure out a way to escape the island before they become dog treats! Long time Assistant and Unit Director Nicholas Mastandrea (Scream, Identity) finally takes the director's chair and puts together a terrific horror film.  There's nothing too ground breaking here but he tells a good story and when the dogs attack, it's pretty scary.  Lots of younger faces, at the time, like Michelle Rodriguez (Machete), Oliver Hudson (Black Christmas) and Taryn Manning (Zombie Apocalypse), are in this and do a decent job.  The dog scenes are pretty killer and there are some good special effects at times.  I really enjoyed the ending too, it's kind of hokey but it made me smile.  Fun little film that will have you barking for more.


1. Cujo (1983) - A lovable St. Bernard is chasing a rabbit through the woods and ends up getting his head stuck in a hole.  The dog starts barking and wakes up a number of bats inside.  They're pissed and start attacking the dog and end up biting his nose.  On the other side of town, a little boy, Tad is scared of the monster in his closet, his mom, Donna and dad, Vic assure him that their is nothing in the closet but in the morning all of Tad's bedroom furniture is pushed up against the closet door.  Everyone's having breakfast and local douchebag, Steve brings over a wooden horse and tells them that he'll have their dining room table done by the end of the week.  Vic invites Steve to a tennis game and after losing horribly to Vic, Steve leaves and Donna invites him to bed. oh Donna, gotta love the middle aged bad boy!  On top of that, Vic's Porsche isn't working so he brings it in to the shop but the mechanic tells him that he can't get to it until later.  Luckily, a nosy mailman tells Vic about a guy who can fix the car up and for cheaper, just outside of town.  So, Vic packs up the family and heads out to the rural area to get his Porsche fixed.  Like any good mechanic, Joe Camber has car carcasses strewn all over his yard and when Vic arrives, he's surly as hell.  Donna finds Mrs. Camber and Tad plays with their son, Brett.  When all of a sudden, a St. Bernard strolls down the path towards Tad.  Tad is excited because he's never seen a dog before but Donna grabs Tad and keeps him away from the dog.  Brett tells her that old Cujo loves kids and for her not to worry but she keeps her distance.  Back at home, Vic says something to Donna and that's when she finally realizes that she really does love Vic and she needs to break it off with Steve. The next morning, Vic learns that his advertising company, somehow is at fault because the cereal company put dye in their cereal and now kids are pooping and peeing red!  To the office! Tad goes to camp and Donna heads out to Steve's shitty apartment to breakup with him.  Back on the farm, Mrs. Camber's won 5 thousand dollars in the lottery and wants to take Brett, so they can have a "vacation" at her sisters and leave Joe there.  Joe doesn't care and heads to his friends to have some beers.  Back in drama town, Steve doesn't want to break up and chases Donna down to her Pinto to argue his love for her, unfortunately this is when Vic is coming home from an incredibly shitty meeting with his partner and sees them.  He turns his car around but they're gone, so he makes a mad rush to Tad's summer camp and whisks him home, just in time to confront Donna and help with the groceries.  She confirms his suspicions of adultery and Vic's heart is crushed.  The next day, Mrs. Camber and Brett take off to her sister's house.  Joe is left alone at home and gets attacked by Cujo! Finally! Cujo has rabies because of the bat biting him and now he's gonna fuck shit up, starting with Joe Camber!  Back at Vic's house, he has to leave for a  meeting out of town and tells Donna that they'll talk when he gets back.  Donna is upset about her marriage going down the drain and that her Pinto isn't working quite right, so maybe a ride to the country would be perfect for her and Tad.  The head to the Chamber farm and notice that it looks deserted and then they are greeted by Cujo.  Cujo chases them back to the car with rabid foam flying from his lips and blood dripping from his paws.  Donna and Tad are trapped in their car with Cujo circling them, will they ever escape?  This movie scared the shit out of me when I was a kid and I will never forget those scenes in the car with Cujo's huge head barking at them, while he stands on the windshield.  Director Lewis Teague (Cat's Eye) takes another Stephen King novel and creates a really slow building movie that pays off huge at the end. The scenes with Cujo are pretty intense and the way the dog is shot, it just looks monstrous and evil.  Dee Wallace (Critters, The Hills Have Eyes) plays Donna and is fantastic, especially in the final battle with Cujo.  Like any kid in a horror movie, Tad played by Danny Pintauro (Who's The Boss) is annoying as hell but so vital to the script and Pintauro does a great job for someone so young.  Frightening is the best way to describe this film and it's a great ride once Cujo goes ballistic! 



So, keep your dog or dogs close by and let them know that you love any way you can because the only time you want them snarling and snapping their jaws is when they're trying to protect you.