Sunday, 24 March 2013

5 Films Where Sex Kills!


Sex can be scary at any time.  Be it when you're young and inexperienced or when you're older with a new partner, it can be down right terrifying. But it doesn't have to be that way, there are certain precautions that you can take that will make things go smoother for the first time with someone new and the first is checking out these following films.  

Here are 5 Films Where Sex Kills!



5. Soul Vengeance (aka Welcome Home Brother Charles) (1975) - Charles & his pimp friend are waiting for their drug connection when his pimp pal spots a mysterious van outside the motel.  Charles takes a look out the window and realizes that in the van, it's "The Man"!  So the two of them walk out all casual like and when they think they're out of sight, they run!  The cops start chasing them and the one racist cop ends up grabbing Charles and starts beating up him.  Luckily, Carmen the hooker there is to help break it up, just before the cops partner is there to stop the racist cop really hurting Charles.  They cuff Charles and drive him to jail, but on the way, the racist cop wants to teach Charles a lesson, so the other cop pulls over but says he doesn't want to be a part of it and leaves the car.  Good work officer.  So after beating Charles, racist cop decides to try and cut Charles's dick off for some reason but gives up luckily.  Anyway, Charles is railroaded through the court system and sent to prison for no reason by a cracka judge.  He goes to jail, with penis intact, and has terrible nightmares in jail.  Then after 3 years he's released and ready to take vengeance on the crooked cops, attorneys and judges that sent him to prison with one weapon that they'll never see coming!
  I was really stoked to see this when I read the IMDB description of this film, especially when it said, "his murder weapon is his own genitals which are now enormous and super powered as a result of the experiments he endured in prison" but it takes so long to get to this point, that it's the last 20 minutes that are really worth watching.  Unfortunately, director Jamaa Fanaka (Emma Mae, Penitentary) (RIP) spends more time at the beginning developing the racist cop character and explaining why, then he does with the genitalia that kills.  I wanted him to focus more on Charles and his murderous penis and there wasn't even any experiments.  The movie for the most part is a drama about a guy trying to go straight after going to jail and how he can't get work, so he goes back to crime.  It's not the worst sploitation film I've seen but has a horror goes, no dice.



4. Teeth (2007) - Dawn is a high school girl, who likes to hang out with her friends, Alisha and Phil and go to chastity prayer meetings.  She speaks to the younger kids about the significance of her promise ring and how it's best to save yourself for marriage.  At this prayer meeting though, she meets a new member, Tobey, who she really likes and they all go to the lake for a swim.  When they get there, Alisha points out a cave where other promiscuous teens go to make out and they all laugh about how those souls are going to hell and how they're not getting laid.  Later on, Tobey drops Dawn off and she has to listen to her douchebag step brother, Brad having sex with his girlfriend, sinners, and she tries to help her step dad take care of her dying mother.  That night, Dawn fantasizes about marrying Tobey and making sweet sweet PG rated love to him.  The next day, she calls him up and asks him to go to the beach with her again.  Soooo, they go swimming and somehow swim over to the cave where the sinners go.  Tobey and Dawn start making out but it gets a little rough.  Dawn asks Tobey to stop but he won't and he ends up knocking Dawn out.  However, this doesn't stop a classy guy like Tobey and Dawn quickly wakes up with Tobey on top of her!  She screams and then Tobey stops, turns white as a ghost and starts to back away.  Dawn sees that Tobey's penis is now missing and he's covered in blood.  Tobey freaks out and runs away, leaving Dawn and his severed winkie in the cave.  Dawn is freaked out and hits the internet to find out what her condition is.  It seems she as a very rare problem where she has teeth in her vagina called, "Vagina Dentata".  She goes to the gynecologist to verify this but the doctor is a scumbag perv, who likes to diddle his patients, and starts to mess around with Dawn.  Which ends up with his digits being bitten off.  Dawn runs out of the doctor's office, what can she do? How can she control this and is there anyway to tame a mad vagina full of teeth?
  This was a pretty funny movie at times.  Jess Wexler, who plays Dawn is really enjoyable to watch in this and John Hensley is great as her, creepy step brother, Brad.  It's not really a super gory film but I cringed for ever penis that fell, even now I shudder to think about it.  It's a good story idea, well shot and definitely something to grab if you're looking for a strange horror flick.




3. Deadgirl (2008) - During a fire drill, high school misfits, Rickie and JT skip out and head down to an abandoned mental institution to drink some beers and fuck some shit up.  When they're done smashing windows and spray painting walls upstairs, they go into the bowels of the building to explore.  When they're down there though, they encounter a vicious dog that chases them into the air ducts and they when they come out, they find a mysterious blocked door.  They get the door open and inside they find an attractive naked girl tied to a table.  Hello creepy nurse!  Rickie freaks out becuase he thinks that she's dead but JT pokes her... on the arm and they can still see that she's breathing.  Relieved, Rickie suggests that they untie her and then get out of there but JT thinks that they keep her and let her be their slave.  Rickie thinks JT is being a sick fuck and tries to untie her but JT feeds him a knuckle sandwich and Rickie runs home like a little bitch.  The next day instead of calling the cops, Rickie is out shooting some garbage in another abandoned building with his gun, when JT comes over to apologize for hitting him and tells him that he needs to show him something about the girl.  Reluctantly, Rickie goes back and JT tells him and he "accidentally" broke her neck but the girl is still alive.  Rickie tries to run out of there but JT grabs Rickie's gun and fires three rounds into the girl but the nothing happens.  The girl is fine, well has fine as she could be with three bullet holes in her, a broken neck, and being tied to a table.  Rickie agrees with JT that they'll keep her but as long as JT keeps it secret and of course JT promises. ;)
  The next day, Rickie heads down to the place and finds they're buddy, Wheeler having sex with the deadgirl.  Some secret.  The next day at school, Wheeler tells JT not to worry and that he's not gonna tell anyone but then a pair of jocks, Johnny and Dwyer,  come over and beat the crap out of them for Rickie looking at his girlfriend, Joann.  Wheeler hurt and embarrassed, tells the jocks about deadgirl and unfortunately for them, now Johnny and Dwyer want Wheeler to prove it.  They get there and JT allows them to ride the community bicycle but while Johnny is receiving oral pleasure the deadgirl bites his dick!  Terrified, they take off and the next day at school, Johnny has some sort of bowl infection, he tires to make it to the bathroom but his sphincter explodes!  Things have gotten out of control, Rickie needs to find a way to stop anyone else from finding out about the deadgirl before anyone else gets hurt!
  This isn't what I was expecting when I heard about this movie, especially from all the hype and notoriety that it received when it was first released.  The story is ok, written by Troma/Full Moon regular, Trent Haaga but there are some plot holes.  I think I was expecting more of a rape/revenge film here, but it was more of a what to do with this body kind of thing.  There's not a lot of blood but there are some disgusting scenes.  I think part of the ending ties together really well but they leave another part of it very open and I don't know if that was intentional or not.  It's not like Nekromantik,  but still it wasn't too bad for what it was and it worth a look if you like dead things.
  
  


2. Killer Condoms (1996) - One night in a seedy hotel, in the bowels of New York city, 4 men have their penis cut off while having sex.  The hookers plead with the police, blaming the deaths on a Killer Condom.  The chief thinks it's ridiculous and puts is best man on the case, Detective Mackeroni, who moved to New York from Sicily for the American dream.  His first stop is the seedy hotel and meets up with former lover and colleague Bob, now Babette, who begs Mackeroni to come back to him.  He refuses and meets a new friend, a gay prostitute named Billy which he takes upstairs to investigate but before anything goes to far, they notice a condom inching it's way towards them.  They try and catch the condom but it hides under a dresser and when Mackeroni tries to catch it, the condom bites his right nut off and escapes.  After being treated at the hospital, Mackeroni tries to convince everyone about the killer condom but no one will believe him.  The police are sure that Billy is the culprit, so now Mackeroni must find the killer condom to clear Billy's name, get revenge and save men all over the world!
  I really enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would.  The Mackeroni character reminded me of a cross between Bob Hoskins and Wilem Defoe's character in "Boondock Saints".  He's a tough gay cop and has no quams about it.  The killer condoms look awesome and the idea of having one of those things on your dong is terrifying.  Famed artist, H.R Giger (Aliens) was a creative consultant on this and apparently designed the look of the killer condoms.  I do think that it could have been tightened up the movie a bit because it runs for an hour and forty seven but other than that it's a pretty fun film that may make you appreciate packaged condoms.     




1. A Serbian Film (2010) - Milos is a retired porn star and lives modestly with his wife, Marija and their son, Petar but the bills are building up.  Over lunch with his friend and porn actress, Lejla suggests a new director, Vukmir that she is working with and how he wouldn't have to worry about money if he did this one film.  He's not sure but he said he will talk to Marija and then his brother, Marko, the corrupt cop shows up and Lejla excuses leaves.  The brothers have lunch and talk about the idea of the project and working with Vukmir.  The next day, Milos goes to meet Vukmir and is showered with compliments from Vukmir about the his past work in films.  He asks Milos to work in his next picture and whispers a number to Milos.  Milos is stunned at the figure and then asks what he has to do.  Vukmir tells him not to worry and he doesn't like to let his talent know what's going on because he wants to get the real emotional reaction of the person when they're filming.  Weary but excited, Milos goes home to talk to Marija about this new business venture.  At first, she is hesitant but after Milos whispers how much he wil get paid for this film, then she is on board.  Milos goes over to sign the contract but is unable to read it, Vukmir tells him not to worry, it's the same old bullshit contract and you can have someone look over it later after you have signed it.  Again not comfortable with the project but looking at the big payoff, Milos signs off and asks again what the film is going to be about and Vukmir tells him that he'll see him tomorrow.
  The next day, Milos shows up at an orphanage for the shoot, the filming starts as soon as he arrives.  He walks in and is led by a lady down the hall to a stairwell where he encounters a young girl, Jeca.  Jeca's mother comes into the scene and scolds her daughter and is dragged off the set.  Milos is then brought into a dark room, with video screens of Jeca eating ice seductively, and the lady, who had brought him down the hall comes in and gives him head.  The following day, Milos shows up to the same dark room, to find Jeca's mother beaten and Vukmir wants Milos to beat her and have sex with her.  Milos starts and then notices that Jeca is in the room watching.  Milos stops and refuses to perform until Jeca is not in the room.  Vukmir refuses and Milos walks off the set and quits.
  Vukmir calls him in to discuss their issue and shows him a video of a woman giving birth.  After the woman gives birth, a guy has sex with the baby.  Milos tells Vukmir to turn it off and that he doesn't want anything to do with him and leaves.  Unfortunately, there must have been something in his drink at Vukmir office because he passes out at a stop light just has Vukrim's nurse is coming over to collect him.  The next morning, he wakes up in his own house in bed, he's covered in blood, doesn't remember the night before and doesn't know where Marija and Petar are!  He must now retrace his steps, find out what happened last night and save his family from the mad pornographers hell bent for the most depraved cinema ever!
  Banned in a few countries and on everybody's list of most disgusting cinema, I must say that it is probably one of the most disturbing films that I've seen in a while.  And unlike a number of films on those lists, it's not even a bad film, it's actually pretty good.  Director Srdjan Spasojevic achieves what I think he set out to do, which is to make one of the most over the top horror movies that people will talk about for a long time and once you've seen this movie, I doubt that you'll ever forget it.  He takes the level of violence and sexual depravity to such new heights that it would make Wes Craven or Meir Zarchi turn their heads and say that's enough.  I'm not saying that the content in the film is ok for everyone and I think this is where horror films should be going but what I can appreciate most about this film,  is in a climate full remakes and treading over old ground, it's nice to find an original story, with a lot of twists and turns and an incredibly disturbing ending that is true to the story.  Sure the content is gross but you have to remember that this just a film and nobody actually was hurt, raped or killed.  Good movie but I'm not sure it's for everybody tastes.


Outside being anally probed by aliens these are probably the worst things that will never happen to you, I hope?!  So, just make sure that you are polite, generous, protected and everybody should be ok.  Although, it never hurts to look for teeth.


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