Sunday, 10 February 2013

5 Movies about the Horrors of Love


Relationships can be difficult and strenuous.  Sure, love is all around but how do you know when that special someone is right for you.  The following films have characters in them, that believe that they have found their hearts true calling, no matter how strange, gross or taboo it is.  Now, I'm not here to judge, actually I am, but these romance films are not for the faint of heart and they take a stroll down the darkest chambers of the heart.  So put away your heart shaped boxes, your cheap red roses and try and hold on to that red lobster dinner in while watching movie.  Enjoy!

Here are 5 Movies about the Horrors of Love

5. Wedding Trough (aka Vase de Noces) (1975) - A man lives in a burned out building and spends his days with his animal friends.  He has some pigeons, some chickens and a pig, which he loves to caress and cuddles with at times.  Eventually he has sex with the pig and it sires 3 baby piglets, which he considers to be his own.  Now a family, where can this love story go?  This movie is very disappointing because when I read the synopsis on IMDB, it said "falls in love with his pig and has mutant piglets with it".  I was expecting twisted wretched halfman/halfpig creatures to be born but they were just piglets.  Very frustrating.  The film is dull and boring and there is no dialogue.  You watch this man play with animals, poop, jar the poop and have sex with a pig.  Then it's back to pooping and jarring again until the piglets are born.  This is a very stupid film, I can't believe it took three people to write this movie.  Try and avoid this film if you can because it isn't worth your time.


4. Love Object (2003) - Technical writer,  Kenneth Winslow is very shy and not very good with the ladies, so he orders a sex doll.  At work, his boss, Mr. Novak gives him a huge project to work on but he only has three weeks to finish it so, Novak gives Kenneth a new temp, Lisa for the typing pool to help him get the work done.  Kenneth falls in love immediately with Lisa and when his sex doll arrives, he fashions the doll to be like Lisa.  Fortunately for him while at her desk, Lisa shows him an old zine that she wrote in high school and Kenneth steals it away for more information on her.  While working together and from practicing with the sex doll, Nikki, Kenneth and Lisa start becoming more comfortable with each other and spending more time together.  However, when Kenneth gets home from work, Nikki the sex doll is getting jealous of where Kenneth has been and who he's with.  These fights get so loud that the building manager next door is unsure if he should call the cops or not.  At work though, everything is great because of the project is getting done on schedule, Kenneth is promoted to editor and he promotes Lisa to a writer.  Excited, Lisa goes shopping with Kenneth, gets her hair done and when the day is over Lisa looks like Nikki!  When Kenneth gets home, somehow Nikki has gotten out of her box and has some choice words for Kenneth.  This is the last straw, Kenneth cannot stand it anymore and chops Niki and throws her in the garbage a few blocks away.  The next day, he asks Lisa on a date and she excepts, Hooray! The date goes great and they even spend the night together but the next day, Lisa finds the advertisement for the sex doll and sees that her and the doll have the same hair cut and clothing!  She erupts in the office, dumps Kenneth and to make matters worse Mr. Novak fires him because he doesn't want Lisa to sue for sexual harassment.  Poor Kenneth has no doll, no job and no Lisa but he has the instructions on how to make a doll and a girl who looks his doll.  So that's what he'll do, he'll make Lisa into Niki!  This is the only project written and directed by long time television producer, Robert Parigi (Tales From The Crypt, King of the Hill) and I found it surprisingly good.  Great cast with Desmond Harrington (Dexter, Wrong Turn) playing Kenneth and Melissa Sagemiller (Law & Order:SVU) as Lisa, who really go all out, especially in the ending that will have you gripped to your seat.  Also, Udo Kier, Ellen Green, Michael Pena and Rip Torn show up throughout the picture.  The story is creepy and there is a great twist at the end that really makes the picture.  There's some blood and guts stuff but watching the Desmond Harrington character lose his mind is really worth the price of admission on this one.  Check it out if you get a chance.


3. Tromeo & Juliet (1996) - The Que's and the Capulets have been at war with each other for years.  It all started when Cappy Capulet stole the video business and wife of Monty Que, leaving him broken and with his only son, Tromeo to raise by himself.  Since then the two families have been blooding the streets of New York with each other for revenge. One evening, Tromeo, his cousin Benny and friend Murray sneak into a Capulet costume party to find Tromeo's girlfriend and mess with the Capulets.  While there, Tromeo discovers that his girlfriend has been cheating on him but what do wondering eyes do see, but a fair maiden.  Although still devastated, Tromeo falls instantly in love with the maiden, approaches her and asks her to dance.  While dancing he finds out that she is Juliet Capulet, daughter of arch nemesis Cappy Capulet and she is destined to marry, London Arbuckle, a millionaire meat guy.  However, they fall in love on the dance floor and decide they must meet again.  The next night, Romeo sneaks into house and with the help of the sexy cook, Ness and Tromeo finds Juliet locked away in a glass box.  They spend the night together and decide to get married as soon as they can.  Will they love turn to tragedy, like in the original or does this relationship have a fighting chance Troma style! Lloyd Kaufman delivers a wonderful modern version of William Shakespeares Romeo & Juliet, with a few change.  This ain't your grandpa's Romeo & Juliet, this is exactly what you'd expect from the Troma team, sex, violence and fun!  Great cast of people, Will Keenan, Jane Jensen,  scream queen Debbie Rochon and even Lemmy from Motorhead show up in this.  Terrific film, lots of laughs, tons of gross out and an ending that you won't see coming.  Watch it!


2. Warm Bodies (2013) - A Teen Zombie humorously narrates his background and stumbles around an airport.  He doesn't remember his name, how the zombie apocalypse happened or where he's from but he's got his own pad in an abandoned airplane and likes to listen to 80's rock records there.  He explains that zombies get a hunger and have to eat humans but most zombies are ok, unless you become a "Bonie", because those are the evil zombies.  Lucky, there are still humans and they live on the other side of town, behind a wall.  However, when they run low on supplies, their leader, Grigio sends teams of people into the world to collect them for the town.  His daughter Julie, her boyfriend Perry, her best friend, Nora and a few other victims, ah, people are on such a mission, when they are over taken by you guessed it, zombies!  Teen Zombie is in this pack of flesh eaters and while stumbling into the room, he notices and immediately falls in love with Julie.  He makes a B line, straight for her but is shot in the chest by Julie's boyfriend, Perry.  So he grabs Perry and eats him.  While devouring Perry's brains, Teen Zombie lets us in on a secret, that when zombie's eats brains, they get the memories of the person their eating.  When he eats just enough of Perry, he staggers toward Julie, calls her name and then tries to rescue her from his zombie compatriots.  Julie is of course is confused and thinks that she is taken prisoner by the Teen Zombie.  She follows him back to the plane and Teen Zombie, grunts "safe" to let her know she is safe.  The next morning, Julie tricks the Teen Zombie, how hard is that, and tries to escape but gets herself trapped on the tarmac with dozens of zombies trying to sniff her out.  Luckily, Teen Zombie comes to the rescue and gets her back to his plane pad just in time.  There Julie realizes that this zombie ain't so bad and slowly they become friends.  She names him R, they talk about records, drive around a bit and she thinks she may be falling in love.  However, Julie wants to get home still and tries to make another escape but this time gets into some real trouble with the "Bonies" and the good guy zombies, who still want to eat her.  R comes to the rescue and saves her again but this time he 's bringing her home.  Do R and Julie have a chance in this crazy post apocalyptic world, where 2 star crossed lovers come together and overcome their differences with the power of love?  This is a really simplistic movie and that really stays on one level.  There are some humorous parts moments, especially at the beginning and then the laughs fade away into the background and only pops back up a few times when Rob Corddry is speaking.  Nicholas Hoult, who plays R and Teresa Palmer, who plays Julie are adequate and don't really bring anything new in the way in which romance movies play out.  There's no bloody scenes, no real tension and once the two hit the road, everything seems to be smooth sailing and by the numbers, which is a shame.  Even John Malkovich is disappointing, as Julie's father.  He seems to accept everything although his background is full of hatred of these zombies for killing his wife and family.  They also introduce a new kind of zombie villian, which makes it a little confusing at the end. The idea is good but the execution could have been better.  There wasn't enough tension for it to be a horror, not enough laughs to make it a comedy and if you look at it as a romance, it just kind of falls dead.  I've seen worse but I wouldn't see it again.


1. The Loved Ones (2009) - It's a lovely afternoon, Brent and his dad are having a drive, when all of a sudden Brent needs to swerve to avoid hitting a bloodied guy standing on the road.  He swerves off the road and hits a tree, killing his father.  Six months later, Brent is at his locker, getting ready to go home and Lola Stone asks him to take her to the Prom that night.  Brent lets her down easy and says that he can't because he is going to the Prom with his girlfriend, Holly.  He leaves school to go meet Holly and get a ride home.  On the way home, Holly and Brent stop for some sexy time but don't notice that Lola has followed them and is watching.  Holly drops Brent off at home and he lets her know that Lola asked him to the dance.  She giggles and jokingly says that Lola can have him if she wants, then takes off for home to get ready for the dance.  Brent is still upset about his father's death, so cranks his \metal/ and sits in his room in the dark.  His mother comes up to see if he's ok and asks how he's going to get to the dance.  He tells her that Holly is picking him up but she gets worried and thinks that a cab would be safer.  They argue and he storms out of his room with his dog in tow.  He takes a walk in the wood and scales an enormous set of rocks that almost kills him but when he gets to the top, he reflects on life, listens to his tunes and realizes that everything is good.  Then, he is grabbed from behind and chloroformed.  Dusk has settled and Brent's mom is wondering where he is and when the dog returns, crawling on it's hind legs because it was stabbed, she knows something isn't right and calls Holly.  When Brent wakes up, he is tied to a chair, wearing a tux and sitting at a table with Lola Stone, her father, Daddy and a lobotomized woman, they call Bright Eyes.  He notices that they have turned their dining room/living room into a prom with a mirror ball and everything.  Lola injects Brent's throat with bleach, so he can't talk and scream, then the festivities of torture begins.  Can Brent save himself from probably the worst prom date ever?  Will Holly and Brent's mom find him before his brains become soup?  I was pleasantly surprised by this film and when I first got the title and started watching it, I thought it was going to be some Heartbreak High shit but not even fucking close.  Director Sean Byrne assembles a terrifying film, that keeps getting more disturbing as it continues on.  Robin McLeavy (Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hutner) is spot on as Lola and balances out the spoiled teen who loves her daddy with the psychopathic tendencies of any killer, I've seen in film.  She works well with John Brumpton (The Hunter, Red Hills), who plays her father and the pair become a very scarey duo.  Xavier Samuel is excellent as Brent, that puts on a very strong performance as their victim du jour.  There are tons of gory scenes, nightmarish allusions and some scenes are just tough to watch without wincing.  Also, I love the fact that the mum's name is Bright Eyes, which may or may not be a shout out to Charlton Heston's character in Planet of the Apes. Great story, fantastic characters and this film is bound to be a classic in the future.



From what these films demonstrate any type of relationship can be difficult.  Be it a suitor that your  dad has kidnapped, an attractive zombie or even a pig, there are going to be moments where you think to yourself, is this what I really signed up for?  During those moments, maybe put the drill down and reflect on your past and try and think where this relationship going to be in the next 5 years? 10 years?  This is when you need to take those rose coloured welder glasses off and then you'll know if this person, animal, thing that you're lobotomizing is really right for you.






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