Sunday, 23 December 2012

5 Films with Santa Being Naughty

Everyone likes to be naughty once in a while, so why not Santa?  For all that time he spends up in the North Pole, working on toys with the elves and the only other human there is Mrs. Claus, doesn't he deserve a little time to himself.  And Christmas Carols, you think it's bad hearing them for a month, try listening to them all year round, I surprised he's as jolly as he is by the end of the year.  So, it's nice to see Santa get naughty and dish out punishment to the bad girls and boys once and a while.  It keeps the season balanced and lets us enjoy the holiday a little bit more.  Well it does for me.

Here are 5 Films with Santa being Naughty:

5. You Better Watch out (aka Christmas Evil) (1980) - Harry Stadling loves Christmas! He sits on the stairs on Christmas eve with his mom and brother, Philip  watching the living room and hoping to get a glimpse of Santa.  Then a pair of of boots appear in the chimney and it's Santa!  Santa puts some presents under the tree and then goes up the chimney.  The boys run to their beds with excitement but Philip says that it's just dad, which upsets Harry and makes him creeps downstairs to prove Philip wrong.  Unfortunately, he sees his mom having sexy time with Santa.  Harry is crushed that his dad is really Santa.  Fast Forward 33 years and Harry is adult, who has eerily decorated his apartment with Christmas stuff and dolls.  He still loves Christmas and works at a toy factory, making shitty toys for all the boys and girls.  Harry also has a hobby of spying on the neighbourhood children through their windows and writing down in his big book, whether the child is naughty or nice.  Harry tries to talk to his employees about making better toys but they just laugh at him and no one seems to have the Christmas spirit, so Harry decides to make his own Santa Claus outfit.  At the company Christmas party, he hears how his company is donating some toys to an children's hospital and asks his boss if all the children will get a toy.  The boss is unsure and this sets Harry off!  He marches back to his home, puts on his Santa costume and goes to work.  He steals bags full of toys from work and drives them to the children's hospital.  There he demands that the orderlies take the toys, which they do and wishes them a merry Christmas.   He then stops at a church that is just letting out after mass and when three young parishioners start giving him a hard time for dressing up like Santa, he kills them in front of everybody at the church and takes off in his van.  Now, Harry is on the run from the law but he still has lots of presents for good kids and more Santa Vengeance to dish out for the bad kids!  John Waters has called this movie, "The greatest Christmas movie ever made" and was released by Troma in 2000.  It's pretty good, it takes a little while to get it's momentum but it has some good scenes and the ending is pretty bizarre.  I was really surprised at how many notable people were connected to this film in small parts.  It's a veritable, who's who of television faces, like Jeffrey DeMunn (The Walking Dead) who plays Harry's Brother, Patricia Richardson (Home Improvement), and Mark Margolis (Breaking Bad, Oz), just to name a few.  The body count is pretty low but there are some pretty decent kill scenes.  Worth checking out.

4. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) - Billy and his family are visiting his crazy grandfather in the hospital.  He's suppose to be catatonic, so while mom and dad are signing some papers in the office, they leave Billy with gramps but grandpa was faking them out and tells Billy that Santa punishes little boys who are bad, which scares the crap out of him.  Mom and Dad come back and Billy tells them what happened, they laugh, oh Billy, you're such a liar.  Meanwhile, a man in a Santa suit has robbed a gas station and killed the cashier for 30 bucks!  Unfortunately, his car breaks down but that's ok cuz here comes a car.  Look who it is, Billy and his family and Billy's dad pulls over to help.  The man in the Santa suit kills Billy's parents and leaves Billy and his baby brother with some serious mental scars.  Three years later, Billy and his brother get shuffled into a catholic orphanage, where the hellbeast Mother Superior freaks out when Billy draws a picture of a bloody Santa and headless reindeer.  He is punished to his room but while he's up there, he hears some moanin and groanin and goes to check it out.  He follows the sound and looks through the peephole, where he sees some teens doing it.  Mother Superior catches them all and gives them all a blast of shit and it leaves Billy traumatized. Later on, Santa comes to visit and Billy doesn't want a anything to do with Santa but Mother Superior wants to make an example of him, so she forces Billy into Santa's lap.  Billy freaks out and is mentally and psychically punished upstairs.  Years later, the one nun who feels sorry for Billy gets him a job at a toy store.  Through the use of montage and shitty 80's music, it looks like everything is going well for Billy until Christmas comes.  This puts Billy on edge and unfortunately on Christmas eve, the store Santa calls in sick.  The manager asks Billy to be Santa and Billy sucks it up and agrees to do it.  He gets through the day as Santa and when the store closes, it's time to party!  Everyone is drinking and having a good time and Billy notices the girl he likes has gone into the back room with the clerk who is a jerk.  He follows them in there and the jerk is trying to have sex with the girl he likes.  She's saying no but the guy is forcing himself on her, so Billy goes over to stop him and kills him in the process. Whoops.  She freaks out and is screaming at Billy, calling him a psycho and crazy, so she's gotta die too.  Now, Billy is in the Santa suit and he has his axe, he's lost his mind so now it's time to go punish the bad boys and girls but can anyone stop him?  Removed from theaters at Christmas and besmirched by critics because the poster depicted Santa in a negative way.  What better way to create a buzz and sell a horror film?  This horror Christmas classic still holds up pretty good.  I remember seeing it when I was a kid and being freaked out back then. Even now when I 'm older, the scene with Billy and the little girl still puts me on edge.  It's violent, it's gory and it doesn't apologize for anything.  A fun watch that will ease the tension at Christmas time.

3. Santa's Slay (2005) - The Mason family are having a pre-Christmas dinner party and guess who comes a little early, Santa!  That's right, Santa bursts through their chimney and humorously murders them all.  Then he gets on his hell deer driven sled and heads out to a town called Hell.  Meanwhile, in Hell, teenager Nicolas is just getting off work at the deli with his girlfriend Mary.  He heads home to see what his crazy Grandfather is doing.  Well, he built a bomb shelter and wants to tell Nicolas a story about the real origins of Christmas.  He tells him that Santa was actually the demon son of Satan and was fucking shit up on earth when God sent one of his Angels down to stop him.  The Angel challenged him to a game (which resembles Curling) to see who could get their rock closer to the hole without it falling in.  The winner would call the shots for Christmas.  Santa agreed and went first, he throws his rock and it teeters on the edge of the hole.  The Angel throws his rock and bumps Santa's rock into the hole.  Santa is furious but they had an agreement and the Angel told him that Christmas was now a good holiday.  Santa was banished to the North Pole and wasn't able to leave for a thousand years.  Nicolas thought the story was silly and his grandfather really was crazy until he stops by his work and finds his boss murdered!  And all reports say it's by a man dressed as Santa!  He also hears about how the night before a strip bar was burned to the ground by a man with the same description. But it really hits home is when this evil Santa comes after him, and his grandpa!  Why is he after them and can they stop this evil Santa and save Christmas in Hell?  This was totally made in Canada and even has Dave Thomas, as a preacher, to prove it.  The opening has James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan & Rebecca Gayheart and you're thinking, why are these people in this movie?  Then after 3 minutes, Bill Goldberg, who plays Santa kills them.  And then the kid from Big Love, Douglas Smith takes over with other great B-movie people like Robert Kulp and Saul Rubinek.  The movie has that comedic Canadian charm to it and it's fun to watch Goldberg go to town tearing people apart.  It's a good popcorn film, silly and you don't have to think much.

2. Sint (2010) - It's December 5, 1492 and Saint Niklas and his gang of pirates have come to the village for his tribute.  They go house to house collecting there tribute in wooden shoes outside the doors and anyone who doesn't pay, has a pirate down their chimney putting the kill on them or their children stolen or both!  At the end of the night they head back to their boat for a peaceful slumber but not tonight because the villagers have had enough!  They gather together and with pitchforks and torches in hand, head down to the St. Niklas's boat.  They set the boat on fire and burn him and his crew alive.  Fast forward to 1968, everyone is celebrating Sinterklaas, without knowing the true origin of the traditions.  A young Goert is singing songs with his family and his dad asks him to go check on the pigs.  Goert goes and makes sure everything is all right in the barn but while he's gone, his family is attacked and brutally murdered inside their home.  When Goert leaves the barn, he sees St. Niklas and his white horse on his roof of his house and runs inside only to find horror left by the demon.  Flip to the present, Goert is a police officer and has done a ton of research on Sinterklaas.  He found out that if there is a full moon on Sinterklass, which happens every 32 years, this allows the ghost of St. Niklas and his crew to rise from the grave and get their revenge on the villagers ancestors who burned him alive.  There is a full moon tonight and he warns his chief but the chief thinks Goert has been working to hard and forces him to go on a vacation for a month.  Can Goert stop St. Niklas and his band from killing a huge chunk of Amsterdam?  Let's hope so!  This Dutch film is pretty good and I like what they did with the St. Niklas character.  This is probably my favourite horror film from writer/Director Dick Maas and it is the most scary.  The only thing I wasn't that impressed with was the CG, overall it's good but some scenes don't look real enough.  Great cast, good and bloody with a twist of dark humour, definitely something to watch on these cold nights.

1. Rare Exports (2010) - It's Christmas eve and Pietari, his father, Rauno and the rest of the reindeer herders are about to pen the reindeer needed to sustain their income for the following year.  However, no reindeer seem to be coming through the clearing.  So, Rauno, Pietari and couple others get on their snowmobiles to go investigate.  They find a little ways down, hundreds of reindeer carcasses laying in front of the fenced area of a mountain.  There has been a hole cut in the fence and Rauno believes that wolves have come through this hole in the fence because of the mysterious blasting that has been going on the mountain.  However, Pietari doesn't want to tell his dad that he and his friend Juuso, cut the hole in the fence to go and see what they we're doing up on the hill.  There, the boys have discovered that the people up on the hill were excavating the mountain for the real Santa Claus.  Rauno and the men drive up the mountain to give the workers shit, but when they arrive, no one is to be found.  Disappointed, they all go back to their homes depressed and worried about where their money will be coming from in the next year.  Since Pietari had learned that they were digging up the real Santa Clause, he began doing some research on him.  Pietari learned that Santa isn't very nice at all, so Pietari has started wearing hockey pads, much to the chagrin of his father.  They have supper and Pietari goes to bed.  The next morning, Rauno finds a bear trap in his chimney and gives Pietari shit for putting it up there.  Also, in the wolf trap, Rauno finds that someone as fallen into it by accident.  Rauno gets his friend, Piiparinen to help him get the body out of the trap.  Rauno sends Pietari to his room and Rauno gets to work with Piiparinen to bring the body into his butcher shed.  Out of the window, Pietari sees that it's a body from the wolf trap and runs out of the house because he's afraid Santa will come after him.  Rauno runs after him and they run into the local sheriff and Rauno's friend Aimo.  The sheriff tells them that everyone's stove has been stolen from their house last night and Pietari asks about the his friends.  Aimo says his son, Juuso is still in bed but when he goes to look, all he finds is a creepy doll.  Aimo says it must be a joke and they leave it at that.  Rauno asks Aimo to come with him to help him and Piiparinen.  They drive back to the butcher shed and Piiparinen is outside holding his bloody ear.  Piiparinen says the stranger bit him and isn't going back in alone.  Pietari is sent to his room and the Rauno, Aimo and Piiparinen go in to interrogate their mysterious stranger.  While interrogating, Pietari bangs on the door.  Rauno asks what he wants and Pietari tells him about how he cut the fence with Juuso and asks his dad to punish him.  He also tells his dad about what the scientists were doing on the mountain.  Rauno realizes that they may have the real life Santa and can sell him for big money! Unfortunately, Santa may find that to be too naughty and may have to punish them all.  I really enjoyed this movie and thought the entire cast did a terrific job.  Not so much horror as I was hoping for but it does a have a few chilling moments and bloody scenes.  The elves are also very creepy and the ending is a terrific twist.  Watch it over the holidays and you won't be disappointed.

 So when the holiday are over and you're cleaning up the wrapping paper strewn all over your house, remember it pays to be nice sometimes.

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