Sunday, 22 April 2012

5 Bad Bad Clown Horror Movies


 Clowns can be really scary.  When we had gone to the circus, I found it fascinating that my son was terrified of the clowns and wouldn't approach them in anyway.  Years later, he has overcome his fear and I asked him, "what was so scary about the clowns?"  He said it was their painted faces. The white pancake makeup and the painted smiles can create a terrific villain for any film.

Except for these films,  here are 5 bad bad clown movies:

4. Clownhouse (1989) -Young Casey Collins is afraid of clowns.  He is so afraid of clowns that he wets his bed at night.  Soooooo, when the circus comes to town, his mother insists that his two older brothers, Randy and Geoffrey, take him to the circus.  That night, they go to the circus and the clowns choose Casey to help, he runs away screaming, embarrassing his older brother Randy but Geoffrey tells him it's OK and they do other circus/midway things while they wait for Randy.  While they're there 3 lunatics happen to escape from the nearby insane asylum, murder three clowns and dress up like them.  The brothers go to their secluded, out of the way home and decide to watch a scary movie.  The clowns find the secluded home and then the terror begins.  Sam Rockwell's co-stars in his first movie as he plays the eldest brother Randy and Jeeper Creepers director Victor Salva tries to keeps the scares up but the body count is unbelievably low for a horror film.


3. Torment (2008) - In this straight to video delight, Lauren is released from a mental hospital and picked up by, I presume is, her boyfriend Ray.  I don't know why she was in the mental home, it might have been because her brother died because they keep alluding to that through out the film, so let's go with that.  Lauren and Ray get home, which seems to be miles away from every thing, Lauren reflects on the balcony and what does she see but an evil clown below!  She tells Ray and he tells her that she needs to take her medication.  Ray also realizes that he has no food in the house, why would he, so off he goes to the store and leaves Lauren home alone.  While alone, Sheriff Plot pusher comes over to borrow so coffee and ask about some missing Mormons. He leaves with his coffee mug full, just as Ray gets back.  Lauren tells Ray about the sheriff but the doesn't believe her cuz he only sees one mug.  Good job detective Ray.  Eventually, the clown comes in and tears some shit up and Lauren needs to get her crazy ass out of there to survive.  This isn't totally terrible, but the acting is stiff and unbelievable.  The clown has some good scenes when he's torturing his victims, but they are so far and few between, I don't know if it's worth it.


5. Death Racers (2008) - This is an even lower budget Death Race 2000.  There are 4 gangs of drivers and the winner is promised freedom.  This movie is the low budget team up of the century! The Asylum and the Insane Clown Posse.  Don't get me wrong, I dig ICP but their movies are terrible and The Asylum is well, The Asylum.  God bless them though, they're filling niche.  Anyway, Acting bad, script ridiculous and there are some good gory scenes, so give a shot if you got an hour and half to waste but remember what Violent J said about it, "We just did it for fun. We knew it was gonna be basically garbage."  Your words, not mine.


2. Killjoy (2000) - In this Full Moon feature, Michael is in love with Jada but her ex-boyfriend Lorenzo doesn't want her dating anyone else.  So, when he sees Michael talking to Jada, Lorenzo and his 2 buddies lay the smack down on Michael.  Michael's only alternative is, of course, voodoo and using a doll and some candles, he tries to summon the demon Killjoy for revenge.  To his surprise it fails and he ends up getting taken out to the woods with Lorenzo, where he is accidentally shot.  This, somehow, brings down the wrath of Killjoy and he starts killing off the cast of 7, off like flies.  This movie is worth watching just for the jumble of ideas and scripting messes that it is.  For a movie that's an hour and 12 minutes, there's like 4 different endings.  Every time you think it's over they add another cliche ending.  The dialogue is bad, the blood effect are all CG and are terrible but that's expected from Full Moon.  However, I do like Killjoy as a villain, he talks and tries to be funny, like Freddy in the later Nightmares.   Also, he has spawned two sequels, so maybe with a budget the stories get better.


1. Secrets of the Clowns (2007) - Bobbi's girlfriend Val comes home, takes a shower and leaves him.  That night, while crying in his beer with his friend Jim, she calls him back and says she wants to come back.  Jim goes outside and is murdered.  A month later, Bobbi and his closet friends get together to visit Jim's grave.  At the grave they talk about how they haven't seen each other in a long time (but didn't they just see each other a month ago at the funeral?) and decide to hire a psychic to find Jim's killer.  Also, Jim is having nightmares about clowns and the house being haunted.  They hire what seems to be the worst psychic in the world, Val leaves again for no reason and all hell breaks loose.  Can Bobbi and Val work things out, can they find the killer, will they survive, by this point I didn't care and neither will you.  I saw this movie at Walmart for 5 bucks and thought what the hell.  The movie starts off really well and there is so good gore right off the bat, then it just kind fizzles off.  The whole plot is so convoluted and confusing that you need a notepad to keep track of what's going on.  The clown is barely in the movie and the gore in it is OK.  The psychic is crazy and there's a couple of good one liners but it isn't worth the price of admission.



These films have some merit and with the right friends, you could definitely have a good laugh. The majority of them are good ideas but whether it's poor scripting, acting or the budget just doesn't allow the vision to come off properly, it just makes them painful to watch.  So, you'll have to excuse me while I try and stuff these clowns back into their car.

2 comments:

  1. No way!! I did the exact same thing...saw a horror collection at Walmart for $5 and Secrets of the Clown was the one I watched. For a moment there I thought I was on the MST's Satellite of Love it was so bad. Nice review!

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  2. Cannibal Killer Clowns on Dope...

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