Saturday, 31 December 2011

5 Worst Movies I've Seen In 2011

It's the end of the year and what I've learned from angry management is that you have to let things go if you want to move on, so for piece of mind, these are the worst movies I've seen this year.

5. Green Lantern -  Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is your a typical super cool slacker Fighter Pilot, who finds an alien by the Side Of The Road and is given a chance to become a Intergalactic Cop.  There is a large evil cloud, Parallax, that is turning these space cops into bones by merely looking at them and Hal needs to defeat him, after training for what seems like a week.  There is another villian, Hector Hammond, who is into Hals' girlfriend; so he kidnaps her, which forces us into an epic battle, right before the main epic battle with Parallax.  (Spoiler) The only thing I really liked about the movie was the Sinestro turn at the end during credits.  (was this really a spoiler, the man has SIN in his name)  This movies a real mess, a huge disappointment and I feel bad for DC comics, they have a lot of great characters but they seem to fail when trying to showcase them on screen.  The only ones that seems to work is Batman and Superman to some extent.



4. New Year's Eve - I don't know where to start, there are about 5 different plots running at the same time which is one of the problems.  Zach Efron/Michelle Pfeiffer have the least offensive storyline of the bunch but the elevator romance with Ashton Kutcher/Lea Michele and the Jon Bon Jovi/Katherine Heigel conclusion are the most ridiculous.  They're a ton of other wonderful people whose talents are wasted; such as Halle Berry, who plays an extremely tentative nurse to Robert De Niro with an unkempt grizzly Adams beard, Hilary Swank is trying to drop the ball on Times Square with Ludacris, Seth Meyers/Jessica Biel are trying to out baby another couple, Sarah Jessica Parker is trying to control teenage Abigail Breslin and Josh Duhamel is just looking for the love of his life he met last New Years Eve.  And then there's cameos.  It was dizzying just to write this, each story in it self, if flushed out might make for a cute  TV movie but crammed all together like this, it's just terrible.  The outtakes at the end are the only time I laughed in 2 hours.



3. The Resident - After breaking up with her boyfriend and moving out on her own, Hilary Swank (again) finds an amazing apartment in NY, for cheap, run by Jeffery Dean Morgan.  Swank/Morgan become friends and he misinterprets the signals.  Swank lets him down easy, so of course, Morgan starts spying on her, and drugging her to have his way.  Luckily, she's a doctor, so when her sleeping habits go wonky and she's having blackouts for no reason, she doesn't need to look into it right away. Eventually, she ends up settting up a surveillance camera system, (which she never checks) and painstakingly learns the truth about Morgan.  I was so excited to see this movie because it was a Hammer Film production with Christopher Lee. As the movie plodded along, there were too many things in this movie that just don't ring true.  



2. The Ward - Runaway Kristen is institutionalized for burning down a farm house. She meets the other girls trapped in the institution and the evil staff who are trying to "help" them.  This movie is so frustrating because its so by the numbers, all the same characters and the twist ending has been done so many times this year, I'd be surprised if you don't call it within the first 20 minutes.  Also, it's a John Carpenter film, so it's not like he can't make scary movies, the Master of Horror stuff was better and that was for television. 



1. Green Hornet - Seth Rogen is so unlikable in this movie.  He plays this rich douche bag, who after his father dies takes over a newspaper company, (do they still have those?) makes friends with Jay Chou, the driver of his father that he's never met and hires Cameron Diaz in the most repusive way.  Rogen and Chou stop a robbery and become crime fighters.  The more they talk, the less funny it is and they come out on top at the end.  It's the worst comic book adaptation, I've seen and that includes the 2011 Wonder Woman pilot.  Don't even bother, it'll just make you mad.



I know that there are a bunch of other movies, people will claim that are worse like Bucky Larsen, Jack & Jill and Larry Crowne but I knew from their trailers that those movies would suck.  I expected some satisfaction from these titles due to the director, the genre style, it being a long time horror company and having a cast of more stars than you could shake a stick at.  (I wasn't expecting that much from New Year's Eve but really?)
So when you don't come through, you go on the list.  Looking at you, Carpenter.

Breathe

Anyway, hope you all have a wonderful new year and thanks for the wonderful response to the reviews, I'll see you next year!  

PS - The Almighty Thor, with Kevin Nash and Richard Grieco, should be there to, but I've never seen Thor with an uzi and that makes me laugh.  A lot of pointless walking in that movie.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

5 Free Movies, A Gift To You

Everybody loves free movies, whether your enjoying a happening Hanukkah, about to have a merry Christmas or a crazy Kwanzaa,  I thought I'd save you 10 bucks for that b-movie DVD and hook you up with a website that gives all year round.  The following titles are available from http://www.archive.org/details/feature_films where they have a ton of great movies for you to watch and download at your convenience.  Just have to click on the title and watch away!  I have included the trailers, so you know what you're getting into.


5. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964) - A group of martians kidnap Santa to bring Christmas to Mars and only two earth kids can save him.  This is a great film that will keep you laughing all through the holidays.  Ridiculous aliens, horrible robots and Pia Zadora, what more could you ask for?




4. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959) - Ed Wood's masterpiece about grave robbing aliens trying to take over the earth.  Celebrated has the "worst movie ever", it has a lot of day for night shots, set bumps and the star (Bela Lugosi) is dead and shown in stock footage.  How can you not want to watch this?




3. House On Haunted Hill (1959) - Vincent Price is excellent as Fredrick Loren, eccentric millionaire and host of a mysterious "Haunted House" party. This is a great horror movie, although a bit dated it can still bring in some scares and it's hokey enough to bring some laughs.  The ending is the best.



2. Night of the Living Dead (1968) - This is the daddy of them all, two young people are attacked in a cemetery by a ghoulish man, the girl is chased to a house where a group of strangers are holding up, trying to escape the undead.  It's a little darker than the rest of my choices but it's such an awesome movie.





1. Santa Claus versus The Devil (1959) - What a crazy mess, Satan sends his worst demon to stop Santa and turn the people of the world evil.  Santa lives in space and the children of the world create toys for him.  This movie is truely bizarre and a definite must see for the holidays.



 Now, you can have your own MST party and rip these films your on way.  I hope you have a wonderful holiday and I hope these films will help you through till the new year.

P.S - Feel free to let me know what you think of the movies



Saturday, 17 December 2011

5 Movies You Need To See Before 2012!

It's nearly the end of the year and with a fresh new wave of films coming, make sure you cross these great 2011 films off your list.

5. Source Code - Jake Gyllenhaal is jumping through time trying to stop a commuter train from exploding.  Gyllenhaal and Monaghan are excellent and the writers do a really good job with the time travelling bit.  Not crazy about the ending, but still a very solid movie.


4. The Guard - Brendan Gleeson plays a crotchety old Irish cop who teams up with Don Cheadle, an FBI investigator to stop a drug smuggling ring.  This movie has such a dark sense of humour and Gleeson owns this movie as the oddball Sergeant.



3. Chillerama - This is a great collection of horror stories, in the same vein as Creepshow/Cat's Eye, but with some excellent gross out humour thrown in.  Or is it the other way around?  A definite must see for any B movie fanatic.


2. Dale and Tucker vs Evil - After two hillbilly's (Tucker and Dale) save a college girl from drowning, they unexpectedly scare the rest of her friends into thinking she's been kidnapped.  The whole movie is a gruesome comedy of errors, I didn't realize how hard it is to wince and laugh at the same time.


1. Attack The Block - A group of young hoodlums kill an alien in South London and its aliens friends come looking for them for revenge.  This film is so much fun to watch, it's got the Carpenter style monster, some nerve racing scenes and a great dark humour about it.


 So, grab one these films this holiday season instead of the usual Christmas fare and cross it off your "must see" list before it goes on your "meant to see" list.




Saturday, 10 December 2011

Double Dexter Dilemma


I am a true masochist. I am six books into the series and I am expecting different results.  Maybe that makes me a fool but I really do like the character.  The character in question is Dexter and the book is Double Dexter by Jeff Lindsay.  I don't know why I do it, I don't like Mr. Lindsay's writing style, nor do I care for his inability to flesh out characters and his feeling that the Miami police department are completely incompetent but I keep coming back, so that is my fault.

In this novel, Dexter is seen during one of his nightly romps with his dark passenger.  The intruder evades Dexter and gets away.  This intruder then mimics Dexter's style and frames him for murder.  Dexter then has to search out this person and bring him to dark justice.

This book is better than the last one, but it really seems rushed and again to not very fleshed out.  I want to know more about Debra being a single mother and why, I want the Miami Police department to be neck and neck with Dexter, as he barrels down to catch the killer and I want Dexter to stop whining, it is just painful to read.  If Lindsay spent more time developing the characters, it would seem more real and perhaps match the writing on the television show.

And maybe that's why I feel so disappointed after reading the books because I want to be on the edge of my seat, waiting for that next twist that one would expect from the Dexter television series.  Instead, I find it to be a watered down, bizarro world of inept characters, who cannot find there asses when they are sitting down.

P.S - Kill Doakes

Saturday, 3 December 2011

5 Reb Brown Movies You Can't Afford To Miss!

I know what you're thinking, who the fuck is Reb Brown?  Well, he played Captain America in not 1 but 2, 2 made for TV movies in the late '70's.  Last week, I explored more his B-movie genuis and came up with a short list that should get you started into the world of Reb Brown

5. Robowars (1989) - This is the Portuguese version of Predator.  Reb Brown leads his B.A.M unit (Bad Ass Motherfuckers, really should be Bad Acting Motherfuckers) into the jungle to find a rogue robot.  There is a ton of pointless walking with a soundtrack that doesn't match the mood at all.  The robot is awful and blips and says greasy alot, even though by the end, it speaks coherent english.  Reb and his unit mow down everybody and everything in their way.  It's a good laugh, there are alot of scenes that don't make sense and the editing is atrocious.



4. Yor, The Hunter From the Future (1983) - Reb Brown plays Yor,  a caveman, who is in search of his origins and carries a mysterious medallion around his neck.  With the help of his friends, he travels across the prehistoric backdrop and over an hour later is in the future battling the evil Overlord.  Along the way they meet a number of tribes, who seem to get slaughtered while Yor is contact with them.  The dialogue is awful and again it doesn't make any sense but when you see him hang glide on the corpse of  monster, it is Reb Brown at his best.



3. Captain America (1979) - Reb Brown is injected with a experimental drug and becomes Captain America, and he fights some bad guys to save America.  This is so bad, its good.  The costumes are awful and the acting matches. nuff' said.



2. Space Mutiny (1988) - Reb Brown is Dave Ryder, ace star pilot bringing everyone's best friend "The Professor" back to the space ship the Southern Sun.  They are attacked by "pirates", the Professor is killed and Dave Ryder manages to dodge death and narrowly returns on board.  The ships flight Cmmdr, the evil Kalgan enlists the ships police and creates a SPACE MUNITY!  Of course, only Dave Ryder can save the day.  Throughout the whole movie no one seems that concerned about the mutiny, there are some pointless mystics in bikinis and the mutineers are just on the other side ship.  The end chase using the "Enforcer" vehicles is classic and shouldn't be missed.  (Sorry, trailer is in german, but it's worth watching)



1. Captain America II: Death Too Soon (1979) Not only does Reb Brown once again pick up the mantle of Captain America, they rope Christopher Lee into this debacle as the villan.  Reb Brown is trying to stop Christopher Lee from putting an aging chemical into America's water supply.  To Lee's credit, you hardly see him but thankfully Reb Brown is there to ham it up.  If he not helping old ladies from muggers, oddly interested in young boys or trying to take care of his sick cat, he's hang gliding into battle to fight Christopher Lee.  I definite must see.


So, If you want a good laugh and you feel the need for bad action films, grab these and have a blast.