Saturday, 31 December 2011

5 Worst Movies I've Seen In 2011

It's the end of the year and what I've learned from angry management is that you have to let things go if you want to move on, so for piece of mind, these are the worst movies I've seen this year.

5. Green Lantern -  Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is your a typical super cool slacker Fighter Pilot, who finds an alien by the Side Of The Road and is given a chance to become a Intergalactic Cop.  There is a large evil cloud, Parallax, that is turning these space cops into bones by merely looking at them and Hal needs to defeat him, after training for what seems like a week.  There is another villian, Hector Hammond, who is into Hals' girlfriend; so he kidnaps her, which forces us into an epic battle, right before the main epic battle with Parallax.  (Spoiler) The only thing I really liked about the movie was the Sinestro turn at the end during credits.  (was this really a spoiler, the man has SIN in his name)  This movies a real mess, a huge disappointment and I feel bad for DC comics, they have a lot of great characters but they seem to fail when trying to showcase them on screen.  The only ones that seems to work is Batman and Superman to some extent.



4. New Year's Eve - I don't know where to start, there are about 5 different plots running at the same time which is one of the problems.  Zach Efron/Michelle Pfeiffer have the least offensive storyline of the bunch but the elevator romance with Ashton Kutcher/Lea Michele and the Jon Bon Jovi/Katherine Heigel conclusion are the most ridiculous.  They're a ton of other wonderful people whose talents are wasted; such as Halle Berry, who plays an extremely tentative nurse to Robert De Niro with an unkempt grizzly Adams beard, Hilary Swank is trying to drop the ball on Times Square with Ludacris, Seth Meyers/Jessica Biel are trying to out baby another couple, Sarah Jessica Parker is trying to control teenage Abigail Breslin and Josh Duhamel is just looking for the love of his life he met last New Years Eve.  And then there's cameos.  It was dizzying just to write this, each story in it self, if flushed out might make for a cute  TV movie but crammed all together like this, it's just terrible.  The outtakes at the end are the only time I laughed in 2 hours.



3. The Resident - After breaking up with her boyfriend and moving out on her own, Hilary Swank (again) finds an amazing apartment in NY, for cheap, run by Jeffery Dean Morgan.  Swank/Morgan become friends and he misinterprets the signals.  Swank lets him down easy, so of course, Morgan starts spying on her, and drugging her to have his way.  Luckily, she's a doctor, so when her sleeping habits go wonky and she's having blackouts for no reason, she doesn't need to look into it right away. Eventually, she ends up settting up a surveillance camera system, (which she never checks) and painstakingly learns the truth about Morgan.  I was so excited to see this movie because it was a Hammer Film production with Christopher Lee. As the movie plodded along, there were too many things in this movie that just don't ring true.  



2. The Ward - Runaway Kristen is institutionalized for burning down a farm house. She meets the other girls trapped in the institution and the evil staff who are trying to "help" them.  This movie is so frustrating because its so by the numbers, all the same characters and the twist ending has been done so many times this year, I'd be surprised if you don't call it within the first 20 minutes.  Also, it's a John Carpenter film, so it's not like he can't make scary movies, the Master of Horror stuff was better and that was for television. 



1. Green Hornet - Seth Rogen is so unlikable in this movie.  He plays this rich douche bag, who after his father dies takes over a newspaper company, (do they still have those?) makes friends with Jay Chou, the driver of his father that he's never met and hires Cameron Diaz in the most repusive way.  Rogen and Chou stop a robbery and become crime fighters.  The more they talk, the less funny it is and they come out on top at the end.  It's the worst comic book adaptation, I've seen and that includes the 2011 Wonder Woman pilot.  Don't even bother, it'll just make you mad.



I know that there are a bunch of other movies, people will claim that are worse like Bucky Larsen, Jack & Jill and Larry Crowne but I knew from their trailers that those movies would suck.  I expected some satisfaction from these titles due to the director, the genre style, it being a long time horror company and having a cast of more stars than you could shake a stick at.  (I wasn't expecting that much from New Year's Eve but really?)
So when you don't come through, you go on the list.  Looking at you, Carpenter.

Breathe

Anyway, hope you all have a wonderful new year and thanks for the wonderful response to the reviews, I'll see you next year!  

PS - The Almighty Thor, with Kevin Nash and Richard Grieco, should be there to, but I've never seen Thor with an uzi and that makes me laugh.  A lot of pointless walking in that movie.

2 comments:

  1. Dude The Ward came out in 2010! I agree it was not filmmaking at its finest, and is ultimately just another entry in today's overused "hidden narrative" type of horror film. Personally I had a hard believing John Carpenter had much to do with it. It doesn't reflect his style at all. It felt like some poor AD did all the work while someone wrote a cheque to JC so he would put his name on it.

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  2. You're probably right about Carpenter tagging his name on it, but it is a shame, because Ghosts of Mars wasn't too good either. I didn't realize that The Ward was released to a number of film festivals in late 2010. I saw it on after the Video on Demand release date of June 2011.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1369706/releaseinfo

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